


I Know Who I Am

by Dassy1407



Series: Who Do You Think You Are? [2]
Category: One Direction
Genre: M/M, Sequal, Who Do You Think You Are?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-26
Updated: 2013-03-14
Packaged: 2017-11-27 00:08:06
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 5
Words: 24,910
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/655885
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dassy1407/pseuds/Dassy1407
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sequeal to Who Do You Think You Are?. Harry returns and the band is working on their next album. Liam swears he’s okay with it, but it seems Louis isn’t. What happens when a secret Louis has been hiding from Liam is revealed?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Pretending

“Are you nervous Li?” Louis asked, holding his boyfriend’s hand tightly.

They were sitting in the lobby of the recording studio that they were working in only a year before. What an interesting year it had been too. So much has changed since Liam and Harry’s final goodbyes.

It took several months of therapy and medication before Liam finally felt like himself again. His relationship with Louis only grew stronger over that time.

“Yeah,” Liam let out a shaky breath. “But I know we’re both better, so it shouldn‘t be too bad,” he claimed.

Louis smiled softly and gently kissed the scar on Liam’s temple. It was barely noticeable now, but Louis still noticed it. It was a reminder everyday of what Harry did to Liam, but also a reminder that Louis was the one that saved him. “You’re right, you both got a lot of help. But promise me, Li, if he does or says anything out of line, I want you to tell me,” he added.

“I will, I promise,” Liam said and leaned over, kissing Louis’s lips gently.

 

“Get a room,” Zayn commented as he entered the room, pulling Niall in behind him. Niall was munching down on a hamburger and giggling at the kissing couple.

“Aw, cute,” Niall said with a mouthful.

Liam and Louis broke apart, both blushing slightly. “Hey,” Liam said.

“Hey yourself,” Zayn said, releasing Niall’s hand to go give his two best friends a hug, even though they saw each other less than a week ago.

“Is he here yet?” Louis asked Niall who nodded, looking down at his phone. “On his way up,” he said. Niall and Zayn had spent the past year working on a couple of things: number one, their relationship. Number two, fixing Harry and Liam, evenly. They were satisfied with both their missions. Their relationship was stronger than ever and they saw a lot of progress in both their friends mental health.

A few minutes later, the door opened and Harry walked in. He paused in the door way when he saw Liam but then smiled and walked in. “Hey,” he said, forcing his eyes to take in all the boys.

Louis had his hand in Liam’s, being his support.

Surprisingly, Liam felt less nervous when Harry arrived. He looked healthy again, unlike the last time he saw him, and Liam didn’t feel scared. He knew part of the reason was his anti-depressants and Louis holding onto his hand. “Hey,” he said and smiled softly.

Harry’s smile grew when Liam said it back. “Your hair,” he said, pointing to Liam’s head, which was cut down to a buzz cut. “I like it,” he added when Liam raised his hand to brush against his new do.

“Thanks,” Liam said. “Got bored,” he shrugged and Louis smiled slightly.

“Makes you look like a toddler,” Zayn commented, reaching out to rub Liam’s head.

Liam laughed and pushed Zayn’s hand away. “Stop it,” he chuckled and each boy let out a small laugh and things felt like they had years ago; easy.

The day continued that way. Harry purposely kept his distance from Liam at first, not wanting to push his limits, but as the boys all discussed possibilities for their new album, the awkwardness between them dispersed.

Niall and Harry both had written potential songs and they tried to find a central theme for their album.

“New beginnings,” Liam suggested. “Fresh starts, ya know?

“That’s perfect,” Harry said, smiling at him.

Liam smiled shyly and looked at Louis. “What do you think?”

“I like it,” Louis commented and looked at Niall and Zayn who were cuddled up on the couch, giggling to each other.

“I love it!” Niall explained and then pecked Zayn’s lips with a loud popping noise.

“Your breath smells like nachos!” Zayn complained but then laughed and looked at Liam. “I like it too,” he added.

Liam smiled, feeling a little proud of himself. “Okay, great. So tomorrow we’ll listen to Niall’s and Harry’s songs,” he suggested, noticing the time.

The boys were getting on so well after being apart for so long, they didn’t notice it was nearing 11 at night and they had planned to only be there until 9.

“See you all here in the morning then,” Niall said, jumping up and pulling Zayn to his feet.

Niall and Zayn hugged Liam, Louis, and Harry goodbye before leaving.

“See you at ten, then?” Harry asked once the three of them were alone.

“Yeah, see ya then,” Louis said.

Liam yawned quietly, nodding. He blinked and then felt arms around him. He tensed slightly as Harry hugged him but then relaxed and hugged him back. “’Night, Harry,” he said, patting his back gently.

“Night, Li,” Harry said and then shook Louis’s hand before leaving as well.

“You okay?” Louis asked Liam later when they were driving back to their apartment. The boys all moved out to their separate places after they took hiatus, Ziall and Lilo moving in with their respective partners. Harry had moved far away but was now renting a place closer to London.

“Yeah,” Liam said and smiled softly. “It seriously wasn’t as bad as I thought it was going to be,” he said.

“Yeah, but no one even talked about it. Isn’t that awkward?“ he asked.

“I know it may seem like I’m constantly thinking about it, but I’m not. Not talking about it is only helping me forget. It will be better for the band,” Liam explained.

“Will it be better for you, though?” Louis pressed on.

“Yes,” Liam promised. “It happened and we all know that. But it’s over and it felt really good to be back together tonight. Let’s focus on that, alright?”

“Okay,” Louis said. If Liam thought it was better to not bring it up, then that’s what he planned to do for him.

~

The next morning, Louis woke up alone. He sat up and looked around the bedroom, which was empty of his boyfriend. He got out of bed and threw on one of Liam’s t-shirts. While the t-shirt fit perfectly over Liam’s toned body, it engulfed Louis and hung off his shoulders. While he was trying to determine where Liam was, he heard noises coming through the wall beside him.

“Liam?” Louis called as he went out into the hall and towards the bathroom. He paused at the door and was able to make out the sound of someone vomiting and then he heard a whimper.

He quickly opened the door and found Liam hunched over the toilet, gagging as his stomach heaved.

“Oh god, Liam,” Louis gasped and rushed to his boyfriend’s side. When he touched Liam’s back, the younger boy flinched and almost flew away from Louis, banging his back against the sink. Louis held up his hands defenselessly, his mouth gaping at how terrified Liam looked. “It’s only me!” Louis said quickly.

Liam stared at Louis and Louis saw the boy’s shoulders shake as he shivered. “S-sorry,” Liam whimpered, unable to stop the tears that leaked from his eyes.

 

“C’mere,” Louis said, holding his arms open. This time, Liam let Louis hug him and he buried his face into the older boy’s chest. “What happened Li?” Louis asked worriedly.

Liam shook harder and gripped his hands into his own t-shirt that Louis wore. “I had a nightmare, a-and when I woke up, I felt sick,” he cried softly.

“You should have woke me,” Louis sighed, running his fingers through Liam’s hair, even though it was much shorter than it used to be.

“Didn’t want to scare you,” Liam explained, finally getting his breathing and trembling under control.

“Why would I be scared?” Louis asked and then frowned. “What was your nightmare about, Liam?”

Liam stayed silent, keeping his eyes shut tightly.

“Liam,” Louis pressed on. “What did you dream about?” he asked, prying the boy away from his chest to look at him. He wasn’t trying to be insensitive, but he needed to know. “What frightened you so much that your getting sick again?”

Liam opened his eyes and looked up at Louis, wincing at the word again. “Him,” he whispered.

Louis bit his lip as he got his confirmation. “I knew it was too soon,” he began but Liam cut him off.

“It’s not too soon, I’m just being a whimp.”

“You’re not a whimp Liam,” Louis argued gently. “I’ll just tell Harry that you’re not ready for this.”

“No,” Liam shook his head. “It’s fine, really. It was just a dream. I was fine with him being there yesterday, honestly.”

“But you haven’t had a nightmare in months—”

“I know, but I can live with a few more nightmares for a while, okay? I can’t ruin this for the band. I just can’t,” Liam whimpered again and Louis pulled his boyfriend back to him.

Louis was torn on what to do. It killed him to see the love of his life this terrified and shaken up. Louis was having flash backs of the terrible nights when Liam would wake up screaming because he was having a nightmare of Harry coming back and hurting him again. There had even been a point where Louis almost called 999 because Liam was shaking and screaming so bad. It had taken over an hour for him to calm down.

On the other hand, Louis cared about the band and he really wanted this to work out and he knew Liam felt the same way. They were once on top of the world and Louis missed the days when things were good. Now they had a chance to get a little bit of that feeling back. But was it worth putting Liam through this?

“I’ll make you a deal,” Louis said softly. “We can continue everything like we had planned, if we schedule in more sessions with Dr. Kiser and you go back on the sleeping pills,” he instructed. He felt a pang in his heart when Liam’s face crumpled, looking like a kicked puppy. “I know you didn’t like how they made you feel but it’s going to hurt you worse having all these nightmares all the time again,” he sighed and rubbed Liam’s back. “You don’t have to listen to me, but I think it’s for the best,” he said.

Liam was quiet for a long time, not crying, but still hugging Louis tightly. After a few minutes of silence, he whispered, “I’ll do it. But don’t tell the others, okay?” he asked, looking up at Louis with that same sad puppy look. “Niall and Zayn already know about the anti-depressants, but don’t tell them about the sleeping pills. And don’t say anything to Harry,” he begged.

“I won’t say a word,” Louis promised and then kissed Liam’s forehead. “Now can we go back to bed? It’s not even 7 in the morning,” he said.

“Okay, just give me a minute,” Liam whispered and let Louis help him to his feet.

“You gunna be okay?” Louis asked, brushing his hand lightly against Liam’s cheek.

Liam nodded. “Yeah,” he said and turned away from Louis and moved to the sink.

Louis went to the door and watched as Liam tried to compose himself in the mirror, before closing the door. He wanted to believe what Liam said; that he would be fine, but for some reason, he had a feeling that he wasn’t going to be okay.

~~

Liam was picking apart the bagel that sat on a small plate in front of him. His leg was bouncing nervously as he sat alone in the studio waiting lounge. The other three boys have yet to arrive, and Louis was talking to their managers about how the meeting went yesterday. Liam was initially asked to give the overview, but Louis volunteered to talk instead. Liam heard Louis tell them that he wasn’t feeling well, which was true, but Liam suspected Louis also didn’t want Liam blurting out anything that would raise suspicion.

No one in management knew what went down between Liam and Harry. They knew something happened because Liam was obviously hospitalized, but when Louis said it wasn’t anything they needed to know about, they shut up their curiosities. If the boys knew it was a dangerous enough topic that they wanted it private, it would be best kept within the band with less chance of leaking out to the press.

Liam wiped his hands on the napkin and leaned back on the couch. Louis hadn’t lied when he said Liam still wasn’t feeling well. His stomach was still reeling but he hadn’t puked anymore since that morning. Now food just didn’t seem appetizing and Louis had bought him the bagel from the downstairs lobby, saying his boyfriend needed to keep up his strength.

Liam sighed again and closed his eyes as he leaned his head back on the couch. He was dreading having to go back on the sleeping pills. He hated how cloudy they made his mind before he went to sleep. While they did work on keeping the nightmares away, he felt like a druggie every time he went to bed and for a couple hours after he would wake up. He could handle more sessions with his therapist because he didn’t mind talking to her. She was kind and didn’t ask too many questions; just enough to let Liam vent and talk about his nightmares and other problems from the past. Recently, they’ve mostly talked about Louis so now Liam wasn’t happy about having to go back to talking about the nightmares. Also, most of her questions would now be about Harry and if he was behaving himself and how Liam felt about everything. Liam hated the idea of spending more time talking about Harry.

Liam felt the couch dip beside him and he snapped his eyes open, sitting up straight.

Harry sat beside him, his signature grin on his face. “Hey Liam,” he said. “Sorry, I hadn’t meant to scare you,” he said.

Liam gulped and scooted closer to the arm rest of the couch, away from Harry. He gripped onto the leather as he stared at Harry. He felt as though his tongue had swollen twice its size.

Harry’s smile fell slightly and then he cleared his throat. “You alright, Li?” he asked, looking Liam straight in the eye.

Liam nodded, seeing what looked like hurt cross over Harry’s face. Liam gulped and looked away from Harry, still gripping onto the couch cushion. Pretend, pretend, pretend. “I’m fine, Harry, just a little tired,” he lied and forced a smile. He released the leather beside him and curled his hands on his lap, still pressing his side up against the side of the couch.

Still, Harry didn’t seem to get the hint that Liam wasn’t comfortable with him being so close. Liam could feel the heat of Harry’s body and Liam felt a nervous sweat form on his brow.

Harry swung his arm behind Liam on the couch and that was enough for Liam to scramble out of the couch. Just as he stumbled past the coffee table, Louis walked in. “Liam?” he rushed over to his boyfriend and caught him before he continued to stumble and fall. “Are you okay?” he asked in a rush, ushering Liam to the other side of the room. Liam nodded quickly, keeping his eyes low and his hands clutched into his boyfriend’s t-shirt.

Liam glanced up and saw Louis glaring over at Harry. Liam looked behind his boyfriend and spotted Niall and Zayn approaching the room; they were holding hands and Niall had his other hand over his stomach as he let out his signature laugh and Zayn was staring at his boyfriend as if this was the happiest time of their lives. Liam felt a painful pinch in his heart and before Louis had a chance to say anything to Harry, he pinched Louis’s sides.

Louis jumped and looked at Liam in surprise. “What was that for?”

Liam’s lips spread out into a smile and he pecked Louis’s lips quickly. “I have to use the restroom, that’s why I’m in a hurry,” he chuckled and then dashed out of the room, waving at Niall and Zayn as he passed, and slipped into the rest room.

Louis watched his boyfriend skip out of the room and looked at Harry in surprise. When he walked in, his boyfriend had looked terrified but now he seemed happy. He hadn’t meant to leave Liam alone this long and he was even more pissed that Harry managed to show up and possibly scare Liam out of his wits. “Did you do anything to him?” he demanded Harry, just as Niall and Zayn reached the room, and their laughter died quickly.

Harry bit his lip, trying not to frown, or smile, Louis wasn’t sure. Harry looked indifferent as he tried to search for an answer. “No, I didn’t do anything. He’s fine, Louis, it’s just Liam being the goof that he is,” he said and added a small chuckle.

“Everything okay?” Zayn asked, patting Louis’s back lightly.

Louis looked at Zayn and shrugged. “Yeah… I guess it is,” he admitted.

When Liam returned from the bathroom, he appeared to be fine, which was very surprising to Louis. They all spread out on the couches and it unnerved Louis when Harry changed his spot so he was sitting beside Liam again. Louis slipped his arm around Liam’s waist protectively but played it off as if he just wanted to cuddle with his boyfriend. Liam smiled at him warmly and then they went on with the meeting.

“Harry, do you want to show us your songs first?” Niall asked.

Harry nodded and grabbed the guitar.

“You play guitar?” Liam questioned, glancing at the curly haired boy as he moved his fingers on the strings.

“Yeah,” Harry said, a hint of a smile on his lips. “Just something I picked up a few months ago,” he shrugged but also seemed proud of himself as if he was trying to impress Liam. “Anyways,” he said and then began to play a soft and basic song, but it was still pretty good.

I know we haven’t seen each other in a while

But I wanted see your gorgeous smile

Put my arms around you and hold you tight

But nothing’s been the same since that night

The room was silent and everyone was staring at Harry as he paused in the lyrics, playing a most intricate part of the music. All of them couldn’t believe what Harry was singing…. Was he referencing that night? No one knew what to do… they were all too stunned to do anything.

When we said goodbye, I didn’t think it was forever

Remember when you told me our end was never?

It could have been lies or promises broken

The most painful thing that’s ever been spoken

Harry continued the song, the lyrics having the same gentle and somber tone. It was very obvious what the song was about, but it did not mention any of the terrible things Harry did, obviously. If you squinted, you could possibly say the song was about the hiatus of the band but told in a relationship point of view, but with the boy’s knowledge, it was easy to tell what it was about.

Louis waited until Harry finished before he opened his mouth, ready to tell Harry that the song was too personal to be on the album, and how it was a totally stupid idea to play something like that so soon…. But Liam spoke before anyone else had a chance to react.

“I like it,” Liam said and Louis cringed at how Harry smiled.

“It’s, um, well,” Zayn scratched at the back of his neck nervously, unsure of what to say.

“I don’t think it’s a good idea…” Niall began.

“It doesn’t have to be what you think it’s about, Niall,” Harry said. “Music can be interpreted different ways,” he added.

“I know, but, um… Liam?” Niall looked at his friend, wanting to know exactly how he felt about the song.

Liam’s expression was hard to read and Louis’s hand went to rub his boyfriend’s shoulders. “It’s good,” Liam said. “I say we included it,” he said.

“Okay,” Zayn said, also looking at Liam as if trying to look for one ounce of doubt.

Liam leaned against Louis and Louis felt a weird feeling in his gut at how Liam and Harry smiled at each other.

“Okay, Ni, your turn,” Zayn said and Harry handed the guitar over to the Irish lad.

Niall’s songs were a lot less personal, although the boys could argue that the one about falling in love at the beach was exactly where Zayn first said “I love you” to Niall, but the fans wouldn’t have known that.

They decided to include only the one song of Harry’s and 2 of Niall’s songs. Harry only had one other song and it was cheesy and he even agreed it wasn’t worthy to being ever sung again.

They ended up ordering lunch and spending the entire day together again. They even began writing their own song, called “New Beginnings”. They were reminiscing about the good times on their first tour, purposely avoiding the past year. It was like the group all had mentally blocked out that time and were only focusing on the before. Or, well, it seemed that way at least. The ‘missing year’ hadn’t left the minds of any of the boys though.

The laughs seemed real. The smiles seemed real. The happiness seemed real. You could hardly tell who was just pretending. 

—

Louis walked into the bedroom, seeing Liam sitting on the edge of the bed. He was wearing a hoodie and sweat pants. “Here,” he said as he walked over, holding his hand out.

Liam looked at the pills in Louis’s palm and gulped. He took them into his hand and stared down at them, not attempting to take them. Louis sat down next to his boyfriend and slipped his hand around him. “I’ll be right beside you the entire time, babe, you’re fine,” he promised soothingly.

“It’s not that…. I just,” Liam sighed and sat the pills on the night stand beside the glass of water. “I just didn’t feel like going to sleep yet,” he shrugged and smiled softly at Louis.

“Oh?” Louis frowned and then suddenly Liam’s lips were on his neck. “Oh,” he said and then understood. Louis gently laid back, pulling Liam on top of him.

“Yeah,” Liam breathed against Louis’s neck and began kissing the skin gently.

Louis moved his hands on Liam’s body as the younger boy pleased his skin with his mouth. Soon their lips made contact and Louis moaned into the kiss. Things got heated up rather quickly after that.

Louis loved when Liam took the lead on their relationship, but now every time Louis closed his eye, he could only picture the way Liam and Harry looked at each other today. It reminded Louis of the looks the two boys would give each other across the stage when they were together. Louis felt something twist in his gut again and suddenly he flipped Liam onto his back.

Liam gasped and for a moment Louis thought he was going to freak out, but then Louis was kissing his lips again and Liam moaned, running his hands through Louis’s hair. Louis straddled Liam and slipped his hands up the boy’s sweatshirt.

Louis knew Liam was with him now and they were in love but his jealousy… yes, jealousy, that’s what it was. His jealousy was making him want Liam to remember that he was Louis‘s.

Louis was getting too caught up in the moment and he felt his hands press down on Liam’s hips.

“Louis,” Louis heard his name slip out of the boys mouth beneath him but it only turned him on more. Louis nipped at Liam’s neck. He felt Liam’s hands move to his hands as Liam tried to pull Louis’s hands off. Louis sucked painfully at Liam’s neck before grabbing Liam’s wrists and pinning them down.

“Louis!” Liam yelled and Louis froze when he heard Liam whimper.

Louis suddenly stopped and sat up, removing his hands from Liam’s wrists. Liam rubbed his wrists, looking up at Louis with tears in his eyes. What have I done? Louis thought to himself.

“Li, I’m so sorry,” Louis started, his voice cracking. He reached out to Liam but the boy flinched and Louis felt a strong shove on his chest by his boyfriend. Louis fell off Liam and onto the other side of the bed and Liam quickly got up.

“Liam, I-I’m sorry, I don’t know what I was thinking,” Louis stumbled over his words and crawled to the side of the bed. “Where are you going?” he asked when Liam didn’t respond and began slipping on his shoes instead.

“I need to leave,” Liam said and Louis’s eyes rimmed with tears.

“What? No, please, Li, I’m sorry,” Louis begged, getting off the bed and rushing to Liam.

Liam flinched again and turned, banging into the dresser with his hip. “Don’t!” he snapped and Louis stepped back. Then Liam sighed, closing his eyes as a tear rolled down his cheek. “I’m fine, I just need to take a walk,” he said. “Please, I just need some time,” he said and then left.

Louis felt his own tears roll down his cheeks as Liam walked out of the bedroom. A few moments later he heard the front door close. Louis sunk to the floor, curling up on himself. What have I done?


	2. Manipulation & A Bad Idea

“Thank you,” Harry said to the girl that stood behind the counter.

“You’re welcome,” the blond haired girl said and flushed deeply. Harry knew she was aware of who he was but was pleased that she hadn’t totally freaked out when he came into the almost deserted Uni-Mart to purchase a coke. When he got back to his apartment, one that was barely furnished and very bland, he wasn’t able to go to sleep. He thought about taking the sleeping pills his therapist told him to take when he couldn’t sleep, but he didn’t like the way they made him feel.

Harry pushed those thoughts out of his mind and opened up his coke as he made his way back outside. The night was chilly, but not uncomfortably so. He began his walk back towards his apartment, even though he didn’t want to go directly back. He spotted a park up ahead and decided to take a stroll through it before he would head home. Home was wear his nightmares started. Most wouldn’t call the dreams he had nightmares, but he did. Because every time he dreamt about having Liam in his arms again, he would wake himself up just to realize that it wasn’t real.

It had nearly killed him seeing Liam again yesterday for the first time in a year. He looked just like he had when they first started dating; breathtakingly beautiful skin, (not purple, pale, and bloody like the way Harry left him), full, broad, and healthy body (not thin, frail, and trembling like before) and just happy. There was a moment when Harry entered the room where no one noticed him just yet. He had stopped and took in the boy he once loved, and still does, and saw that Liam genuinely was better. Liam had been looking at Louis like he was the only thing that ever mattered to him.

That struck two nerves with Harry in that moment.

At first, Harry was relieved. He hadn’t damaged Liam to the point of no return and he was okay. Deep down he knew Louis was better off with Liam, and despite knowing that, Harry also had an intense feeling of want for Liam. Harry almost ran out of the room right then and there. His therapist used the word ‘want’ a lot. He claimed that Harry wanted Liam to fear him. He had wanted Liam to cower beneath him. It took months for Harry to finally accept that he wanted that, but the want he felt then wasn’t the same feeling. Now, he wanted to be the one to make Liam happy again. He wanted to hug his broad shoulders, hold is warm hand, and kiss his soft lips. These were the right kinds of wants now.

The second nerve that was struck with Harry at that time, one that side-noted from his want to be with Liam again, was his jealousy and anger towards Louis. Again, deep down, he knew those feelings weren’t right. He understood that Louis probably saved Liam’s life, but that didn’t make him forget that the Doncaster boy was the reason for all of this.

Harry was broken out of his confusing whirlwinds of thoughts when he heard a small sniffle. He stiffened and looked about the dark park and spotted a familiar shape hunched over sitting on a bench. Harry recognized that sniffle and he was instantly thrown back to all the times when he was the cause of Liam’s cries. Stop it Harry, he snapped to himself.

Harry found his feet moving towards the boy on the bench. He reached out to touch his shoulder but then decided best not to. He made sure to make loud footsteps as he walked around to the front of the bench. “Liam?”

Liam gasped and raised his head, nearly jumping out of his seat. “Geesh,” he gasped, his hand going to his heart, though Harry used to tease him because Liam’s hand rested more on his collar bone when he was frightened and not technically anywhere near his heart. “You scared me,” Liam confirmed.

“I didn’t mean to,” Harry admitted and was able to see by the street lamp above them that tears streaks Liam’s face. “What’s happened, Li? Why aren’t you at home?” Harry asked, wanting to know why Liam was outside, alone, in a scarily dark park in nothing but sweatpants, sneakers, and a hoodie.

Liam looked down again, putting his arms around himself as he thought about what to tell Harry.

Harry bit his lip sympathetically as he saw Liam shiver. “Here,” he said and removed his own coat and tossed it over Liam’s shoulder. The older boy seemed to tense, but didn’t refuse the coat. Slowly, Harry sat down beside Liam. The boy still refused to answer and was still sniffling to stop his tears, but had stopped shivering. After a few long moments of silence, Harry asked, “Are you going to tell me what you’re doing out here alone?”

Liam scoffed slightly. “Why are you?” he retorted, still not looking up.

“I was thirsty,” Harry replied and smirked slightly as he opened his coke again and took a sip to prove his point. “And my flat is just on the other side of the park,” he fibbed. It would have been quicker to go another way, but it was still possible to be a route to his flat.

“Oh,” Liam whispered sullenly. Harry was almost positive that was going to be it for Liam and he was going to say nothing more, but then Liam said, “I just had to get out for a bit,” he whispered quietly.

“Same here, actually,” Harry replied carefully. He was surprised Liam hadn’t run away the moment he saw Harry, and he was tempted to ask why he hadn’t, but he didn’t want to push his luck. This was probably the only alone time he was ever going to get with Liam again. “Liam, you can talk to me, ya know, if you want,” he offered.

Liam raised his head and glanced over at Harry, his expression reading, are you serious? in a sarcastic manner.

Harry cleared his throat, not letting the look offend him. “Just pretend it’s like old times,” he said. Surprisingly again, Liam didn’t seem to object to this idea right away. Harry continued, “Before everything, when you could tell me anything. Remember those times, Li?” he asked and Harry swore he could see a hint of a smile on Liam’s face.

“Remember when we would huddle in the bunks and tell each other everything? I don’t think there’s a thing we don’t know about each other by now, Li,”; Harry said, smiling at the memory of the two cuddling on the tour bus. “So, what’s on your mind?”

Liam bit his lip, seeming to contemplate telling Harry. “Louis and I just got into a little, well, it wasn’t really a fight…” he began but then stopped.

“I’m sorry,” Harry said but felt something inside his heart leap with joy. Was Liam having troubles with Louis?

Liam shrugged and lowered his head again.

Harry slowly put his arm on the back of the bench, behind Liam’s back. “Do you remember us on tour, Li?” he asked, very aware of the tone of his voice. It was almost too cheery. “We were inseparable. I never wanted to be apart from you, and I hoped you felt the same?” he asked but then realized Liam wasn’t going to answer. Harry continued, “I wish things were like that now,” he said and felt himself scooting closer to Liam. “Remember that one time we tried to go ice skating and you completely fell on your arse?” he asked and then saw Liam’s lips grow into a smile before a small chuckle escaped the older boy’s lips. Harry lived for that sound; Liam’s laughter. Harry matched Liam’s light chuckle and moved even closer.

“Do you remember the way I would hold you at night, and whisper that you were the only one for me?” he asked, his lips nearing Liam’s ear. “I would say, ‘You’re so beautiful, and perfect, and I love you,’” he whispered against Liam’s ear and Harry was now close enough to feel Liam’s shoulder press against his chest. Harry’s heart leapt again as he felt the familiar feeling of Liam’s body against his. He felt his head lower and lips gently press against Liam’s neck. “Can’t we just pretend….?” he heard himself saying as his hand moved to Liam’s thigh.

This was apparently the action that snapped Liam out of Harry’s hypnotics and Liam pushed Harry away, but Harry noted it wasn’t a very strong push.

“We can’t pretend anything, Harry!” Liam snapped, now glaring at the curly haired boy. “Just because I’m still here doesn’t mean you have any right to do this,” he gestured all around him.

“Do what?” Harry asked, pouting slightly. He was so close and yet so far away.

“Pretend,” Liam winced. “We can pretend things are okay, but not that they’re like the way before. We will never have that again,” he snapped.

Now it was Harry’s turn to wince. His shoulder’s slumped and he bowed his head in disappointment. Then he perked up. “We can pretend things are okay?” he repeated what Liam said.

“Isn’t that what we have been doing?” Liam questioned.

Harry frowned. Was that what this was? Was Liam really not happy like Harry thought. “Well… I thought… or I hoped,” Harry started but Liam cut him off.

“You thought I was fine, didn’t you?” Liam asked and Harry frowned. “Well I’m not,” Liam continued. “None of this is okay, Harry,” he spoke clearly but Harry could tell he was trying not to cry again. “I’m very far from okay and I almost feel sorry for you if you thought—-”

“Sorry for me? Well that’s new, isn’t it?” Harry laughed, finding that amusing somehow. “No one is ever sorry for me,” he said and turned away from Liam, putting his face in his hands. Without his coat, Harry felt his body began to shake. Harry was about to just get up and leave but then he felt a hand on his back. Harry didn’t move, feeling like if he did he would frighten Liam off like a baby bird.

Harry let out a small sob and that made Liam put his arms comfortably around him. He didn’t want to cry, but if letting his walls down was the only thing that made Liam close to him, than he was willing to show his true emotions again.

“Shh,” Liam soothed, laying his head on Harry’s shoulder. Harry sat up and moved in against Liam’s embrace.

“I-I’m sorry, Li, but it’s just so hard,” Harry whimpered softly.

“Please don’t cry, Haz,” Liam begged, closing his eyes tightly.

Liam’s plea made Harry try and stop his cries. He was being selfish to get to Liam. He felt like he was tricking Liam for his attention, and he didn’t like it. “You shouldn’t be the one comforting me, Liam,” Harry said. “I don’t deserve it,” he whispered.

“If it wasn’t for Niall and Zayn, I would probably have to agree with you,” Liam said and let out a huff. “Louis treats me like I’m going to fall apart if he says something wrong, and my….” he paused. “My therapist paints you as a deep-rooting evil in my subconscious,” he explained.

Harry turned, still in Liam’s embrace, and looked at Liam’s face.

Liam was staring at the ground, his face twisted like he was having an internal struggle. “But Zayn and Niall reminded me that you weren’t just on some vacation and that you were getting help too,” he explained. “Don’t tell Lou this but Niall told me a lot more about your progress than they all originally agreed on. I know you’ve had ups and downs while getting help, like me. I know you’re on meds, like me. At one point I almost told Louis that I wanted to see you sooner, before the year was up, because I felt like we were going through the same thing, like on the same roller coaster, ya know?”

Harry let out a shaky breath. “I had a breakthrough last week,” he said. He hadn’t planned on telling anyone this, but when Liam mentioned Louis’s name, he felt the urge to tell Liam now. It was a selfish urge, he knew, but maybe he needed to be a little selfish to get what he wanted.

Liam glanced over at Harry, looking unsure if he wanted to know. “Go on,” he said carefully.

Harry sat up slightly. “I remembered the first night I hit you,” he said and saw Liam grimace. “I came home drunk and you weren’t in the mood,” he explained. “I know now that you weren’t anywhere at fault but I also remember what I was feeling then. Drunk, for one,” he said as if it were obvious. “But I was also wreathing with anger and jealousy,” he said.

“Did you feel those things before that night?” Liam asked, his eyes looking wide and scared, but curious.

Harry slowly shook his head. “No. I never felt anger towards you before that night, but don’t think it was just sparked by one drunk night,” he said. “I wanted to get drunk that night, Li. I wanted to drink so much that I didn’t remember anything that next morning.”

“Why?” Liam asked, removing his hands from around Harry and placing them on the bench beneath him. Harry saw tears glistening in Liam’s eyes. “You never went out without me before. Why did you?”

Harry looked Liam in the eye. “Louis and I had a fight,” he explained. “He cornered me in the kitchen and told me that I didn’t deserve you,” he said clearly, his own tears threatening to fall. “He said I wasn’t worthy to be with you and that he would be so much better for you.” Harry felt like a weight was lifted off his shoulders. He hadn’t remembered that night well before his therapist made many attempts in finding out the bottom cause of Harry’s attitude change. It was like he had been keeping it a secret, even from himself. He then realized that Louis had also kept it his secret, based on the look on Liam’s face now.

The tears rolled down Liam’s cheeks. “What?” he let out a small gasp.

“I was just so angry that he had the nerve to say that to me. I mean, we were best friends for goodness sakes! But he said it clear as day and I just needed to get out. So I went to get drunk. About four beers in I started realizing that Louis may have been right. That you would have been better off with him. Only instead of going home to you and begging you to not leave me, I got angry with you,” Harry explained and his hands trembled.

“B-but… why?” Liam was crying softly now, whimpering as he learned the truth behind Harry’s change.

“I was mad at you because you were too good for me. I was mad at you because I felt like you really didn’t love me like you thought you did. Then I was scared you were going to figure that out. I was angry because I knew that if Louis voiced his feelings to you, you would jump into his arms so quickly,” Harry let out a broken sob. “It was like my anger towards you was from me assuming you would break my heart. So I….” Harry gulped and grew quiet for a long time. The only noise was the sound of the two boys soft cries. Harry took a shaky breath. “I’m surprised Louis never told you,” he admitted, his voice shaking terribly. “But I guess that’s just Louis for you?”

Liam stood up quickly. “You hit me!” he yelled at Harry, staring down at the boy, pointing a finger down at him. “You can blame this all on God for all I care but it was you that hit me!”

Harry looked up at him and bit down on his lip, not wanting to let out the sob that built up inside of him. “You don’t know how much I wish I could take it back,” he said honestly. “If I would have just went to you after Louis told me that, things would have been so differently, right?” Harry asked hopefully.

Liam shook his head, but wasn’t really answering Harry’s question.

“Can you give me that at least? Please tell me that if I told you Louis had feelings for you that you wouldn’t have left me,” Harry begged.

Liam’s voice cracked as he spoke, “Of course I wouldn’t have left you.”

However, Harry felt even worse hearing Liam’s answer. It meant that even though his methods of coping with Louis’s confession was the beginning domino to the destruction of everything good he had in his life, it was also for nothing.

“You wouldn’t have?”

Liam shook his head. “Of course not. I loved you Harry, didn’t you know that? I would have done anything for you.”

“Loved,” Harry spoke softly, heartbrokenly.

“Yes, loved, Harry,” Liam said and looked around the park as if debating on what to do next.

This made Harry stand up. Liam stepped back, his arms going out in front of him as if to protect himself. “I still love you,” he said. “Nothing is going to change that. You may hate my guts but I know you still feel something for me. Because you wouldn’t have stayed here with me tonight if you didn’t,” he said.

Liam sighed and shook his head again. “That isn’t true, Harry,” he began.

“It is,” Harry said and smiled softly. “If you didn’t care, you wouldn’t have asked Niall about my progress. I’m right and you know it,“ he said and then added, “But you’re with Louis now,” he said, his voice going back to the tone he noticed using before. The look that flashed across Liam’s face was enough for Harry to know that this wasn’t over between them. “Louis knew what he was doing when he cornered me in the kitchen. He’s like that, isn’t he? He knows what he wants and he goes for it,” he said.

Liam looked at Harry and frowned sadly as if he was feeling sorry for Harry again.

“I guess Louis got what he wanted,” Harry said and then left it at that. He stood tall, taller than Liam, and walked down the path back towards his flat. As he left Liam by the bench, still wearing his coat, he only had one word running through his mind. That word described Harry’s new tone of voice he now liked using towards Liam. He liked the way it made Liam look at Harry. That word was manipulation. 

~

As Liam watched Harry storm away, he felt as though the boy was pulling all the oxygen around Liam with him. He stumbled forward slightly and collapsed back onto bench, trying to catch his breath. Tears poured down his cheeks as he struggled to remain calm.

When Liam first saw Harry in the park, his first instinct was the bolt, but had been too frozen to even move. Plus, there had been something in the way Harry asked Liam why he wasn’t at home. For a moment Liam thought the boy actually cared. That feeling stayed with Liam as Harry stayed and asked Liam to pretend. It was almost too easy to remember the way things used to be with Harry.

But the curly haired boy ruined any moment they managed to manifest together tonight when he touched Liam’s thigh. That touch snapped Liam out of his daze and suddenly, Harry wasn’t that cheeky boy he fell in love with over a year ago, he was the monster that ruined Liam’s life.

Yet, somehow Harry had managed to turn everything around so that he looked like the victim. Liam actually felt bad for him and he had to keep reminding himself that Harry was tricking him.

Right?

 

Liam sighed and stood up, walking away from the park and back to his flat. He hoped Louis was asleep. Liam didn’t want to see or talk to his boyfriend right now. If what Harry told him was true then… well Liam wasn’t quite sure how he was going to handle that yet. His mind was foggy from lack of sleep and he didn’t even want to process that kind of information yet.

He decided it would be best to wait until morning to ask Louis and have his mind finally process the information, whether it be true or false.

Unfortunately, the stars weren’t aligned for Liam tonight, and when he arrived back at the flat, Louis was waiting in the living room for him.

“Liam, thank god,” Louis scrambled off the couch and rushed over to Liam. But when he opened his arms for a hug, Liam stepped back, holding his hands up.

“Please don’t,” Liam repeated, trying to remain calm. He still remembered how Louis’s hands gripped Liam roughly earlier. He knew Louis hadn’t meant to hurt or frighten him, but it didn’t stop the painful flashbacks.

Louis dropped his arms to his sides, defeated. “I’m so sorry, Liam,” he said and Liam hated seeing Louis so heartbroken.

“It’s okay, I, uh, just need time still,” Liam explained. “I just want to sleep,” he added.

Louis nodded. “Um… I’ll sleep on the couch,” he offered.

Liam bit his lip but nodded. He closed the front door and then noticed the coat that rested on his shoulders.

Apparently, Louis noticed too. “Who’s coat is that, Liam?” he questioned.

Liam turned around, pulling the coat off. “Can this wait until morning, please?”

Louis only frowned. “I think I deserve to know where you’ve been, at least,” he said and Liam’s eyes widened.

“Deserve?” Liam questioned.

“I’m not being a jealous boyfriend Liam. But I was worried about you. You didn’t take your phone and I was scared, okay?”

This made Liam close his eyes because he knew if he continued to see how genuine Louis looked, he would be forgiven in an instant. But Harry’s confession still rested in the corner of Liam’s mind and he wasn’t going to forget it anytime soon. “It’s Harry’s coat,” he said.

There was a long awkward silence from Louis and Liam opened his eyes to see Louis’s mouth hanging wide open.

“Harry’s?” Louis seemed to vomit up the name.

“Yes. I ran into him at the park,” Liam explained and shuddered, but luckily Louis didn’t seem to notice.

“What’d he say? Did he do anything? I’m gunna kick his ass for talking to you. I shouldn’t have let you go. Oh god, did he do anything?” Louis asked in a rush, stepping up closer to Liam.

This time Liam didn’t flinch, but he still held his hands up to show Louis that he didn’t want him touching him. “He didn’t do anything. We talked.”

“About what?”

“I’d rather talk about it in the morning,” Liam sighed.

“No, Liam, I think we need to talk about it now,” Louis said.

Liam glared at Louis. What was his problem? “Okay, you want to know what we talked about? We talked about you,” he stated bluntly.

“What about me?” Louis asked. “You didn’t tell him what I did, did you?”

“No. We talked about you being the reason this happened to me!” Liam yelled and he felt his heart pounding against his chest.

“What?!” Louis gasped. “Oh, bloody hell, Liam, you can’t believe a thing Harry’s told you!”

“So you didn’t confront him about not being good enough for me?” Liam snapped back.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Louis argued back but there was a flash of uncertainty on his face.

“Harry had a break through in therapy. He said that on the first night he ever hit me, you told him you liked me and that you said he wasn’t good enough for me.”

Louis stared at Liam in shock but then his expression changed into something else. “That was the first night he hit you?” he questioned.

Liam nodded, ignoring the tears in his eyes because he was mad, he couldn’t commit to crying now. “Yes. He went out to get drunk because he was pissed at you but then he convinced himself that you were right. Then he came back and he wanted his boyfriend to comfort him, only I wasn‘t able to because I didn‘t know what was wrong,“ he said and suddenly felt guilty. If he had only knew. “He further convinced himself that I was going to leave him for you. Then he hit me.”

Louis looked like he was about to be ill. “I had no idea,” he said.

“So it‘s true.” Liam hadn’t wanted it to be true.

Louis gulped and nodded slowly. “I-I don’t know what came over me. I was just mad, jealous, I, uh, didn’t mean it, I mean, I didn‘t think—” he stuttered, unsure of what to say. He placed his hand on the wall to balance himself. “It’s all my fault,” he began to cry.

Though Liam didn’t want to believe it was all Louis’s fault, he couldn’t help but feel like Louis deserved this. “You should have come to me if that’s how you felt. But you didn’t and look what happened,” Liam began to sob.

“Liam, you have to believe me when I say that I didn’t know what was going to happen,” Louis begged. “I didn’t know that was the first time he had hit you,” he explained.

“I know,” Liam stated and Louis looked up at him, his expression wavering between sorrow and hope. “But that doesn’t make this any better,” he said. Liam set Harry’s coat down on telephone stand near the door and got his own coat out.

“Where are you going?” Louis asked, still shaking as he watched Liam move to the door again.

“I’m going to stay at Niall and Zayn’s,” Liam said, opening the door.

“Please Liam,” Louis begged, “Don’t go.”

Liam paused in the doorway but forced himself not to look back. “I’ll see you at the interview tomorrow,” he said and then walked out, closing the door behind him.

~~

“Babe, it’s almost 2 in the morning,” Zayn explained, glancing at the clock that set beside their bed.

“But the movie’s almost over,” Niall pouted, laying his head down on Zayn’s chest.

“I knew I shouldn’t have fed you those chocolates,” Zayn said with a sigh.

“You didn’t exactly feed me those, I sort of ate them off your body,” Niall giggled.

Zayn let out a huff of a laugh. “Ya, and you nearly ripped my skin off with your teeth,” he smirked, running his fingers through the blond locks.

“Well maybe next time you should make me a proper dinner before teasing me with food,” Niall smirked.

“I was trying to tease you with my body!” Zayn laughed. “But all you wanted was the food,” he pouted slightly.

“Oh shush, you got what you wanted,” Niall said and looked up at Zayn.

“Sure did,” Zayn said and leant down, kissing the Irishman’s lips. When they pulled apart, the film credits were finally rolling. “Bed now?” he asked.

Niall grabbed the remote and turned the TV off. “Yes, but only if you go grab me a snack,” he asked, fluttering his eye lashes at his boyfriend hopefully.

Zayn narrowed his eyes slightly but he knew he wouldn’t deny any request of Niall’s. “Fine, but no getting crumbs in the bed,” he said and kissed Niall’s forehead before getting out of the bed. He pulled on a pair of boxers before walking through the flat towards the kitchen.

He let out a loud yawn as he searched the fridge for something that would appease his boyfriend but not keep him up for the rest of the night. As he eyed the whip cream, wondering if he was up for another ‘food fight’, he heard a knock at the front door. Zayn frowned and closed the fridge, making his way to the door. He had no idea who it would be at this house at this time. When he peeked through the peep hole, he was surprised to see Liam waiting on the other side. He quickly unlocked and opened the door. “Liam? Are you alright?”

“Relax, Z,” Liam stated and forced a smile, but Zayn could tell the boy had been crying. “I’m fine. But do you mind if I crash on your couch tonight?” he asked.

Zayn saw Liam shiver and he motioned for him to come in. “Of course you can, come on,” he said. “You’re freezing Li,” he said as he led the boy to the living room and then he flicked a switch, making the fireplace come to life. “But what happened? Everything alright with Louis?”

Liam sat down on the couch and held his hands up to the fire to heat them up. “Can we talk about it in the morning?”

“Zayn? What’s going on?” Niall appeared in the door way, also wearing nothing but his boxers. “Oh, Liam,” he said once he saw his friend sitting on the couch. “What are you doing here?” he asked curiously.

“He needs a place to stay for tonight,” Zayn explained, moving towards the cupboards to get out extra pillows and blankets.

“What’s wrong with your flat?” Niall questioned and Zayn sent the boy a little glare.

“Nothing, just, uh, Louis and I had a little fight,” Liam admitted with a shrug.

Zayn and Niall made an incredulous look at his each other. It was known to the boys that Liam and Louis never fought.

“Um, okay, well you’re welcome here as long as you like,” Niall said.

“Thank you,” Liam said.

Zayn put the pillows and blankets on the couch before sitting down next to his best friend. “We’re just down the hall if you need us, okay?” he said and gave Liam a hug. He wanted to know what Louis and Liam fought about, but Liam looked like he was about to pass out from exhaustion.

“Thanks, Zayn,” Liam said against his neck, hugging Zayn tightly.

“No problem,” Zayn replied and kissed the top of Liam’s head before standing up. “Night Li,” he said.

“Goodnight,” Niall added, slipping his arm around Zayn’s waist.

“Night,” Liam responded quietly before taking his coat off and curling up with the blankets and pillows on the couch.

Zayn walked Niall back to their bedroom. “I wonder what they had a fight about,” Niall wondered allowed as the couple got back into their bed.

“I dunno. I hope it’s nothing too serious, but then again it was enough for Liam to come here,” Zayn shrugged.

“Maybe they’ll talk and get over it tomorrow,” Niall said hopefully, reaching up and turning off the light.

“Let’s hope,” Zayn said as he cuddled up against his boyfriend and prepared his mind to finally get some sleep.

~

Liam and Louis didn’t end up talking and making up the next day. Instead, the couple didn’t speak to each other at all. They avoided each other’s eyes and when it came time for the interview, they sat on opposite sides of the couch. Zayn and Niall sat between them and Harry sat at the end by Louis.

Niall tried asking Louis about it but he simply said, “It’s none of your business,” and left it at that.

When the interview started, the tension didn’t disappear like everyone hoped.

“So it seems all is well in the One Direction family!” The young blond interviewer announced.

“Sure is. We’re very happy to be back in the swing of things,” Zayn said, taking charge of being the main spokes person.

“Well I want to begin with saying that Celebrity News is very honored to be your first interview since the hiatus break,” Nancy, the interviewer, said.

“We’re glad to be here,” Harry spoke, smiling as if nothing had changed between the group.

Liam noticed he was glaring at Harry and forced himself to stop. Pretend, pretend, pretend, he told himself.

“So Liam, let’s start with you. How’d you spend your free time?”

Liam looked at Nancy and almost laughed. Free time? Their hiatus wasn’t ‘free time’ is was hell for him. “I went on vacation with Louis. Saw some dolphins,” he grinned and looked at Louis, hoping no one would notice how hard it was to look at the other boy.

“I see. So you all stayed pretty close?”

“Some of us,” Louis said, shifting in his seat.

“Pause the camera,” Nancy said and the camera beeped before the recording button turned off. “Sorry, but is something the matter?” she asked. “I have a list of questions I am meant to avoid but…”

“We’re fine,” Niall said and sat up, trying to pull this off. “It’s just been a while since we’ve been together so there’s bound to be some awkwardness, right?”

Nancy didn’t look too sure. “I guess. But I can cut the tension with a knife,” she explained.

Liam glanced over at Louis and saw that he was looking back at him. But then Louis looked away, looking ashamed. Liam moved his eyes to Harry, who had his arm draped over the back of the couch behind Louis. Liam felt a twist in his gut and he remembered the times when he was forced to hide his relationship with Harry so the Larry bromance would gain more attention. But instead of being jealous of Louis’s closeness to Harry, he was jealous of Harry’s closeness to Louis.

Liam had let his mind process everything in Zayn’s shower this morning before they left. Louis had made a mistake when he confronted Harry almost a year and a half ago. He wasn’t going to forgive Louis for that. As both Liam and Harry’s friend at the time, he should have stayed out of their relationship, or at least told Liam about his crush, not told Harry that he wasn’t worthy of Liam. But despite wondering if things would have went differently between him and Harry if Louis had said nothing, he knew he couldn’t blame Louis for Harry’s change.

One comment wasn’t what caused Harry to turn into a monster and hurt him like he had, he knew that. Deep in his heart he knew Harry would have turned violent eventually; it was just a matter of time until Harry got that spark. Unfortunately for Liam, Louis had been that spark.

“Maybe we should take a break,” Zayn suggested.

Liam looked over at his friend and saw him almost glaring at Louis.

“Sure thing. Say ten minutes?” Nancy suggested, standing up.

“That’ll be fine, thank you,” Niall said and stood up, turning on his heels to face his two quieter friends slumped over on the couch. “So are we going to talk about this or just shove it under the rug like always?”

Zayn looked up at his boyfriend in surprise and stood up, going to his side. “Babe,” he said softly.

“Don’t babe me,” Niall pouted slightly and looked from Liam, to Louis, to Harry. “Maybe this whole thing was a bad idea,” he sighed and then walked off the bright lit set, disappearing in wings.

Zayn gave his friends a sad look as if apologizing for Niall’s behavior before running after his boyfriend.

Liam dropped his head in shame. He felt someone get up off the couch and walk away but he didn’t bother to see if it was Louis or Harry. He was beyond caring. He just wanted to go curl up somewhere and fade away. He tried, like really tried to make this work but it seemed that getting the band back together was useless. Or at least that’s what Liam thought.

Who ever was left on the couch with him scooted over so their leg was pressed against Liam’s. Liam felt his heart leap and he hoped it was Louis, but when he raised his head, he saw Harry looking at him with a concerned expression.

“Are you alright, love?” Harry asked in a warm tone.

“Go away, Harry,” Liam whispered, dropping his head back into his hands. He wasn’t stable enough to deal with Harry’s manipulative tone right now. Hell, he wondered if he was ever going to be strong enough to not be affected by Harry’s presence at all.

“I’m sorry Liam. About you and Louis, I mean,” Harry said, sounding genuine. “I never meant to cause any trouble. I just thought you deserved to know,” he said.

Liam sighed quietly and raised his head, relaxing into the back of the couch. “I’m glad you told me,” he admitted quietly. He stared at his hands and then felt Harry sneak his arm around Liam. For some reason, the gesture made Liam relax even more. He closed his eyes and settled in against Harry.

“Zayn told me you stayed at their place last night,” Harry said and it sounded like he was going to leave it at that but then he added, “I guess this means you’re a free bloke now.”

With a sharp flinch and twist of his body, Liam moved out of Harry’s arms. “Louis and I haven’t broken up,” he stated, his eyes boring into Harry.

“Oh,” Harry said, looking disappointed.

“What did you think was going to happen, Harry? That Louis and I would break up and you’d have me all to yourself again?” Liam asked in disbelief.

Harry gulped and shrugged slightly. “The first day, you wouldn’t even let me touch you. But now—”

“Just because I’ve let you comfort me doesn’t mean I’m running back to you!” Liam snapped and stood up, storming away. He couldn’t believe Harry. Was the boy that delusional?

“Liam? What’d happened?”

Liam whirled around to see Louis coming inside the studio from what looked like an outside entrance. Liam didn’t respond, but instead rushed into the other boy’s arms.

Louis didn’t hesitate to wrap his arms around Liam’s shaking frame.

“I’m so sorry, Louis,” Liam cried against Louis’s chest and the older boy slowly lowered them both to the ground.

“Shh, Li, calm down,” Louis pulled Liam into his lap, not caring who saw them. From the sounds of it, Liam was on the verge of having a panic attack, which wasn’t good. “Please, just breathe, it’s okay,” he said.

“N-No, it’s not okay,” Liam sobbed. “I’m sorry,” he said.

“Sorry about what? You have nothing to be sorry for,” Louis explained.

“I-I was thinking a-about what would have happened if you hadn’t done what you did,” Liam explained between cries.

Louis’s heart clenched painfully. “And?”

“And I hate you for what you’ve done,” Liam sobbed and Louis closed his eyes as if he’d physically just been injured by Liam’s words. “But I love you so much,” Liam continued crying.

“I know, Liam,” Louis sighed softly. Liam’s words killed him, but he would take the onslaught of it if it meant Liam was coping. He looked up and saw Zayn and Niall watching the scene, Harry not too far behind them. “I know,” he whispered to Liam as the boy he once deemed unbroken, cracked at the seams.


	3. Blame & Credit

Louis looked down at the boy in his arms. Liam was finally at peace, but that was only because the poor boy had tired himself out by crying so much that he fell asleep. They were still in the back stage hallway of the TV studio, Louis holding Liam in his lap as he sat on the floor, leaning against the wall. He knew Liam had cried against his chest for at least 30 minutes, if not longer. Luckily, no one had tried to approach them or Louis would have threw some sass much more than his usual “I’m not amused” face.

He gently ran his fingers through Liam’s hair, thankful that the boy finally fallen asleep. Seeing Liam break down like that wasn’t the worst state he’s seen Liam in, but it still killed Louis inside. Liam’s voice was still ringing in Louis’s mind. “I hate you for what you’ve done,” it repeated nonstop in his mind now. But no one understood how much Louis hated himself for what he did.

But Liam also said that he still loved Louis, and that thought made Louis gently kiss Liam’s forehead. Because as long as there was still love, they could get through this. Even if Liam was never going to get better now, it didn’t matter because Louis loved him and he would spend the rest of his life making sure Liam was okay. That is, if Liam wanted him there.

 

Louis somehow managed to stand up, carrying Liam in his arms. The boy was still under his normal weight, and was much lighter than Louis now, so Louis carred Liam with ease as he made his way down the hall towards the set. Lights had been dimmed down and Louis saw none of the bustling employees rushing around like he had earlier.

When he made it to the set, he saw Zayn and Niall cuddled up on the couch together, talking with hushed voices. It was weird to see the two lads so quiet and they looked to be talking about something serious. Harry was sitting against the wall, separate from the other two boys. Louis carried Liam up to the couch and laid him down, his head beside Zayn’s thigh. “Watch him?” he asked his two friends as Liam curled up onto his side.

“Sure thing,” Zayn said softly, gently running his fingers through Liam’s hair because he knew that’s what Louis did to keep him calm.

Louis nodded and then walked over to Harry who was staring at Liam’s sleeping form. Harry removed his eyes from his sleeping ex boyfriend and looked up at Louis. He tensed, as if Louis was about to yell or punch him, but then relaxed when Louis simply sat down beside him.

“Paul cleared out the set. No one‘s here but us,” Harry explained to Louis, returning his gaze to Liam.

Louis nodded and rubbed his hands on his knees, not saying a word. He didn’t know what to say. He wanted to yell, but he knew if he tried he would just end up crying. Because everything was messed up now and it wasn’t fair on anybody, especially Liam, and Louis didn’t want to put all the blame on Harry because Liam would claim it wasn’t fair but deep down Louis knew it was all Harry’s fault.

“Was it your intention to break me and Liam up?” Harry broke the silence.

The question caught Louis off guard. Not because of what he was asking, because it was a logical question, but because of how Harry said it. He sounded sad, not accusing.

“No,” Louis replied just as calmly. “I loved Liam for a long time, and for a while I accepted him being with you because he was happy.”

“What changed?”

Louis’s jaw clenched. “Are you really asking me that?” his voice was low.

“I mean before everything went to shit,” Harry said, his eyes moving along the features of Liam’s face.

Louis knew the way Harry was staring at Liam should have made him mad, but instead he just felt ill. Yet, he said nothing about it. “You may understand my situation a little bit better now. You claim to love Liam, right?”

Harry nodded, moving his eyes away from the boy on the couch to look over at Louis, curious as to where he was going with this.

“But you can’t have him,” Louis stated, his tone trying to abase Harry. “I spent months with this feeling rotting inside me. I had to sit back and watch him be with you.”

“Aren’t you the one that used to say that love is selfless?” Harry retorted, his eyes narrowing in on Louis’s.

Louis stared into Harry’s eyes and then looked away, forcing himself not to cry. “I was selfish when I told you that you weren‘t worthy of him,” he admitted. “But I don’t have to explain anything to you about selfish love.”

Harry’s eyes rolled in his skull. “Right,” was his reply. Then, “I don’t blame you, ya know? For what I’ve become. I did at first,” he said. “Hell, I was bent set on coming to beat your face in and tell you that you set this whole thing up somehow. You put Liam in danger just to rescue him.”

Louis looked appalled. “How could you think that?”

“Because my head isn’t right,” Harry said, blinking away tears. “I understand that now. I would have became ill regardless of what you did.”

They were quiet for a long time, both of them staring at Liam as he slept. Then Louis broke the silence.

“I don’t know if he’s going to recover from this. But if you have any ounce of pure love for that boy, you have to leave him alone,” Louis stated, regaining his composure. “No more messing with his mind like you have been. Stop touching him and trying to flirt with him. I’m not saying this for anyone’s sake beside’s Liam’s. He is extremely fragile right now and you’re the bomb that’s ticking away.”

Harry took a few moments before responding. “You see? It’s times like this where I just want to punch you in the face.”

Louis turned his head and glared. “Excuse you?”

Harry rolled his eyes and got to his feet. “Fuck you guys,” he said to the room before storming out of the side door.

Louis got to his feet and watched Harry rush out. He looked over at Zayn and Niall, confused out of his mind. “His emotions flip like a switch,” he hissed quietly, not wanting to wake Liam up.

“He’s been diagnosed with bipolar disorder,” Niall spoke up, explaining why Harry’s tempter was sparked so easily.

“And a million other things, I know, but he just, uhrg, I don‘t know. I thought I was getting somewhere with him,” Louis sighed, walking over and sitting on the couch by Liam’s legs.

“Niall and I have been trying to get somewhere with him for a year,” Zayn spoke up. “So far, no such luck.”

“Great,” Louis muttered and then gently lifted Liam into his arms again.

~

It was now late in the evening and Liam was awake, curled up against Louis as his favorite Disney movie played on their flat screen. “There are a lot of things I’m not going to forget, Louis,” Liam explained quietly. They had been working on talking things out for the entire length of the movie, which was almost over. When they returned to their home, Louis made Liam eat something and then they spent their day cuddling and watching movies. The interview earlier had been completely cancelled, yet to be rescheduled.

Louis nodded, looking down at the younger boy, waiting for him to continue.

“But the pain from your involvement with Harry that night, well, it’s not going to be something that I’ll have forever,” Liam explained. “It’ll always be there, sure, but I don’t blame you for what happened. I never truly did.”

Louis was extremely relieved. He didn’t know if he could bare knowing that every time Liam saw him, he remembered the first night his abusive relationship began. He couldn’t help but shrug. “If you did, I wouldn’t blame you.”

“I still feel like every time Harry hit me, it was my fault,” Liam stared at the TV. “I see how easy it is to not blame you anymore,” he opened his mouth as if to continue, but then closed it.

“So you should see how easy it is not to blame yourself,” Louis claimed.

Liam took a deep breath. “Okay,” he said, leaving it at that. The two boys snuggled closer together and watched the end of the movie.

When the movie finished, Louis looked at the clock. “Are you ready for bed, Li?” he asked gently.

Liam frowned and nodded, moving to hug Louis.

“I can feel your heart pounding, Li, are you okay?” Louis asked, concerned.

“I’m just nervous to go to sleep,” Liam whispered in a broken voice. “I don’t want to have nightmares.”

Louis hugged Liam tightly. He wondered if Liam had dreamt last night without his pills and without Louis there to comfort him. “Come on,” he coaxed Liam to stand up and he walked him to their bedroom. He helped Liam sit down and then went to fetch clothes for him to sleep in. He set the pile onto the bed. “Change, I’ll be right back,” he said and quietly slipped out of the room. He fetched 2 sleeping pills and then returned, finding Liam sitting on the edge of the bed in the lose t-shirt and sport shorts. “Here you go,” he said, holding out the pills.

Liam looked at the medication in Louis’s hand as if it were a hideous creature. But then he took them, washing them down with the bottled water Louis had set on the night stand the night before. “You’ll feel better in no time,” Louis said, running his fingers through Liam’s hair again. He bent down and kissed Liam’s forehead.

Then Louis rummaged through his dresser for clothes to sleep in. He changed into sweat pants and one of Liam’s t-shirts, because Liam’s t-shirts were the comfiest. When he was finished, he turned out the lights and slipped into bed. He cuddled Liam to his chest and found that the boy’s heart beat was still racing.

“Will you sing to me while we wait for the meds to kick in?” Liam asked, reminding Louis of a child asking for their parent to tell them a bedtime story.

“Of course. What do you want to sing?” Louis asked.

“Anything,” Liam shrugged, closing his eyes.

Louis smiled softly and then took a deep breath, hoping his calm breathing would help Liam relax. He began to sing, “This is the start of something beautiful. This is the start of something new. You are the one that make me loose it all. You are the start of something new, oh,” he sang quietly, and half way through he could hear Liam’s heart rate calming down. He continued to hum the gentle Ed Sheeran tune and adjusted himself do Liam was laying on his chest. He then continued singing the song softly, holding the boy close.

Eventually, Liam’s breathing evened out and he fell asleep. Only then, Louis allowed himself to drift off as well.

~

“I don’t know how you handle this shit, Zayn,” Niall sighed heavily and then chugged down another beer.

Zayn watched from the couch as his boyfriend drank his 8th beer since they’ve gotten home. As soon as they walked through the door Niall went to the kitchen muttering “I need a beer”. Zayn knew his boyfriend was a drinker, he was Irish, it was expected. But it was rare that Niall drank to wash away his problems.

“I handle things just the way you do,” Zayn explained. But without the drinking, he added to himself.

Niall let out a laugh, but both boys knew this situation was not funny. “You just sit there quietly, not letting any of this bother you,” he yelled and slammed the empty beer glass onto the coffee table.

Zayn flinched and took a deep calming breath. “It bothers me too, Ni,” he protested quietly.

“Our band it falling apart!” Niall yelled.

“It will be fine,” Zayn said calmly, willing to say anything to calm Niall down.

Niall just rolled his eyes and got up, wobbling over to the kitchen to get another beer.

This made Zayn angry, but he forced himself not to say anything. He wanted to argue further with his boyfriend because this whole situation was tearing him apart just as much as his boyfriend. After today, it seemed like the band really was going to end. But no one was going to make that final decision. At least not Niall, Louis, or himself. It had to be Harry or Liam to say that they can’t go on. It was doubtful for Harry to make that decision because it was so obvious that he still cared for Liam, and the band, even in his own sadistic way. It was also very doubtful, but less, for Liam to say anything. He was their daddy direction, no matter what. He would take the entire blame for the end of the band and Zayn wasn’t too sure if Liam could handle anymore stress.

Zayn didn’t want the band to end. That was probably the last thing he wanted, but apart of him wanted to step up and say that reuniting was a bad idea. The pain in Liam’s face anytime he was near Harry was enough to make anyone cringe.

“Ow!”

Zayn looked up to see Niall stumbling back into the room, frowning at the end table that he had obviously just ran into with his shin. “You okay?” he asked.

Niall just glared at Zayn and shook his head. “Ya know… this whole thing,” he flopped back down on the couch. “I don’t even know who to blame anymore,” he said.

“We shouldn’t blame anyone,” Zayn stated.

“Harry told us what Louis did. It’s not just Liam and Harry’s problem now, Louis was also involved,” Niall argued, his accent and slur really strong so it was difficult for Zayn to catch all of what he was even saying, but he knew enough.

“This isn’t just their problem at all,” Zayn argued. “We shouldn’t be blaming anyone. We’re all brothers, this is all of our problem right now, Ni,” he said, gritting his teeth.

“I didn’t do shit!” Niall yelled in defense and gasped when he spilt his beer on his lap.

Zayn sighed again and stood up. “I’m done arguing with you. You’re drunk. Let’s go to bed,” he said and reached down to help his boyfriend up.

“Get off!” Niall pulled away from Zayn, resulting in spilling the remainder of his beer onto Zayn’s feet.

Zayn jumped back and fought back a snarl. “Fine, get to bed yourself you fucker!” he yelled, finding his wit’s end. He stomped over to the door, took off his soaking socks and slipped his feet into boots. Niall was yelling something at him but he didn’t want to hear what his drunk boyfriend was saying. Instead, he grabbed his coat and walked out, slamming the door behind him.

Normally, Zayn didn’t mind Niall when he was drunk, in fact, he was fun, but this drunk Niall had been driving him crazy for hours. That hadn’t been the only times he called it all Harry’s fault, or even Liam’s fault sometimes. For hours he told himself that Niall was drunk and he’d get over it, but that last little bit put Zayn over the edge.

Now, Zayn was cold, with no socks on with his boots, and he was tired. But he didn’t care because there was no way in hell he was going home to Niall tonight.

~

Zayn woke up shivering. It took him a moment to remember where he was, and then remembered the night before. After his argument with his drunk boyfriend, he made his way towards Louis and Liam’s apartment, but when he reached their door, he hadn’t had the heart to knock. He felt guilty for disturbing them, considering what a terrible episode Liam had yesterday. So instead, he curled up with his coat in the hallway of the apartment complex and fell asleep right there on the floor. Surprisingly the hallway of the complex got quite cold through the night and now Zayn was chilled to the bone, especially his sock-less toes.

Zayn stood up and put his jacket back on. He checked the time, seeing it was almost 8, and knocked on the door. It was only a few seconds before the door was opened.

“Zayn?” Louis questioned as soon as the door was open. He looked concerned. “Are you alright, mate?”

Zayn shrugged. “Mind of I come in?” he asked, wanting to get out of the chilly hallway.

“Yes, of course,” Louis stepped aside and allowed Zayn to enter.

He noticed Louis was still in his sleep clothes but there was music playing from the kitchen. “Um… did I wake you?” he asked.

Louis shook his head. “No, I’ve been up for a little while. Where… uh, where did you sleep last night, Zayn?” he asked hesitantly.

Zayn wondered how exhausted he looked. “Outside your flat door…” he admitted, embarrassed.

 

Louis’s mouth fell open. “Why didn’t you knock? And I’m pretty sure I gave you and Niall both a key,” he added.

“I forgot it. Plus I didn’t want to wake you guys up. It was pretty late,” Zayn shrugged and kicked off his shoes. “Hope you don’t mind if I hang out here for a while,” he said, not really asking because he knew Louis wouldn’t object.

“You’re welcome here as long as you like,” Louis said and walked back into the kitchen.

Zayn followed behind and sat down at the barstools.

“So… why didn’t you sleep at your flat last night?” Louis asked as he attempted to make scrambled eggs.

“Long story,” Zayn said.

Louis frowned but nodded. “Okay,” he said.

“Where’s Liam?”

“Still in bed, I’m going to go get him up now,” Louis explained, putting a cover of the hot eggs and walked out.

A few minutes later Louis returned, holding a very tired Liam up as they walked in. Zayn was astonished at how ill Liam looked. The boy was pale, shaking, and limping as if he was going to fall over. “What the hell happened?” Zayn gasped, standing up.

Louis shot him a look. “He’s fine, he just gets like this with some of his medication,” he said quickly.

“Oh,” Zayn’s shoulders fell and he stepped back, giving the two boys room as Louis helped Liam sit down at the bar. Zayn stood on the other side of his younger friend. Liam didn’t even look awake yet, his eyes looked cloudy and he couldn’t seem to focus on anything.

“How long is he normally like this?” Zayn asked, taking his seat again.

“It depends, but it should be out of his system soon,” Louis explained and returned to the eggs once he was sure Liam wasn’t going to fall over.

Zayn, though, couldn’t take his eyes off the boy slouched over in his seat. It reminded him of the day Liam was in the hospital and the doctors ordered him out of bed to walk. Louis had held onto Liam’s arm just like he had moments ago, and Liam had wobbled and winced the whole time. Though it was doubtful Liam was still in pain months later, he still had that helpless foggy look and it killed Zayn to see him this out of it now.

“Couldn’t you have just let him sleep it off?” Zayn asked Louis quietly, still not taking his eyes off Liam.

Liam had all but laid his head down on the counter, but not just yet as he bobbed his head above the counter.

“He was already awake when I went in there,” Louis explained. “The medicine doesn’t affect his mind to sleep peacefully as much, mostly just his body.”

Zayn nodded, but he didn’t really understand. He didn’t question it though because it was probably something Liam asked Louis to do for him and the older boy just never questioned it.

Liam let out a small groan and put his arms up on the counter, placing his head down on them. Zayn wondered if the boy was going to fall asleep again, but instead he rolled his head back and forth.

“Is he okay?” Zayn asked Louis.

Louis turned around again and frowned. “Li? Are you going to be sick?” he asked, rushing over.

There was more groaning and whining from Liam but even though Zayn didn’t understand it, Louis must have heard a “yes” and he quickly helped Liam to his feet.

“Breathe Liam, small steps, deep breaths,” Louis instructed calmly as he walked Liam to the bathroom.

Zayn had a terrible feeling that things like this were a common occurrence in his residence and that made himself feel sick. He winced and turned away from the hallway when heard Liam start to gag over the toilet, all the while Louis offering comforting words.

Zayn checked on the eggs, finding them done and he turned the heat off. He scooped him out some but wasn’t able to get down more than a few bites. He put the leftovers in the microwave when he heard the shower going. After he managed a little bit more breakfast, he wandered into the living room and turned the television on. Almost a whole way through an episode of The Inbetweeners later, Louis and Liam returned, walking hand and hand.

Liam looked surprised to see Zayn there but he smiled nonetheless. “Hey,” he said. The boy looked much better to Zayn now. His paleness wasn’t as strong and the bags under his eyes were mostly gone.

“Hey,” Zayn said. “Feeling better?” he asked.

Liam nodded and glanced at Louis.

“Erm.. I put the eggs in the microwave to keep them warm,” Zayn said, suddenly feeling like an intruder.

Liam leaned over and whispered something to Louis before walking away into the kitchen. Louis sat down next to Zayn.

“Is he okay?” Zayn asked again.

Louis frowned and shrugged. “He was having flashbacks, that’s why he got sick,” he explained softly.

“He still has them?” Zayn gasped.

Louis nodded. “I thought they went away but with Harry coming back, the nightmares and everything returned,” he explained.

Zayn gulped and looked down at his feet. He wanted nothing more now than to tell Harry to get out of their lives for good. It wasn’t worth putting Liam through that.

“So what happened last night?” Louis asked, breaking the silence.

Zayn sighed and decided he couldn’t hold it in any longer. “Niall was drinking, which was fine, but he just kept complaining about everything and I got annoyed. We got into an argument and I walked out,” he explained briskly.

“What was he complaining about?” Louis asked.

Zayn glanced over at his friend and knew that Louis already knew what Niall had been complaining about. Luckily, Zayn didn’t have to answer because Liam walked back in.

“Did you eat?” Louis asked, turning his attention to Liam now and Zayn did the same.

Liam nodded and promptly sat down between Zayn and Louis on the couch, curling up against his boyfriend’s side. “Can we watch a movie?” he asked.

Louis looked at Zayn, who shrugged. “I don’t mind. That’s if you’re both okay with me hanging out here today?” he asked.

Louis opened his mouth to speak but Liam raised his head and said, “Stay.” The youngest boy then sat up and pulled Zayn into a hug.

Zayn instantly hugged his friend back and then cuddled him to his chest as Louis went and got a movie ready. He set up to watch Lilo & Stitch and returned to the couch with a couple blankets. The three boys all curled up together to enjoy the movie.

~

Louis turned off the TV and glanced down at Liam, who was sound asleep with his head in Zayn’s lap. He reached over and ran his fingers through the boys hair. “I’d say I love it when he sleeps because he looks so peaceful, but I never know if he’s having nightmares or not,” he explained to Zayn in a soft voice.

Zayn looked down at Liam for a few moments and then at Louis. “You should be proud of yourself, Lou,” he said, his tone quiet.

“Why’s that?”

“Because I had no idea what you dealt with everyday with him,” Zayn explained, nodding down at Liam.

Louis scowled slightly. “Dealt with him?” he repeated.

Zayn shook his head. “No, not “dealt with“, sorry. That wasn’t the right choice of words. I mean I have to give you credit,” he said carefully. “You take care of him well,” he said.

Louis smiled softly. “Thanks, Zayn,” he said. “That means a lot,” he admitted. He never got told if his ways with handling Liam were good or not, he just did them out of instinct.

Liam moved on the couch and let out a yawn as he woke up, his eyes fluttering open. He sat up and curled up against Louis.

“How do you feel?” Louis asked.

“Pretty good,” Liam said and looked over at Zayn. “Thanks for letting me use you as a pillow,” he said, smiling shyly.

“Anytime, Li,” Zayn said and Louis’s heart warmed.

Sometimes Louis felt alone in all of this, handling Liam so he wouldn’t break. But having Zayn there reminded him that he wasn’t alone in this. “Are you hungry?” he asked both the boys and they both nodded. “Want to attempt to make that pizza from that kit we bought?”

Liam’s eyes brightened. “Yeah,” he said and got to his feet. He grabbed both Louis’s and Zayn’s hands and pulled them up, dragging them to the kitchen to make the pizza.

Out of the three, none of them were very good at keeping the kitchen clean throughout their adventures of cooking, so by the end, there was pizza sauce and cheese all over the kitchen. Louis knew it was going to be hell to clean up later, but after sensing that Liam wasn’t being his normal “Don’t make a mess!” self, he decided he couldn’t make himself care either.

“Guys, I think it’s burning,” Zayn said, twenty minutes after the boys finally managed to put the pizza into the oven.

“Shit!” Louis jumped up and raced over to the oven, putting on mitts as he ran, and pulled out the pizza. He pouted when he saw the ends of the pizza burnt black.

“Next time let’s just order out,” Liam suggested.

“It was your idea to buy the kit,” Louis reminded him with a smirk.

“You should learn not to listen to me,” Liam poked his tongue out at Louis and then laughed.

Louis abandoned the pizza and went to Liam, pulling him to him and kissing him deeply.

Zayn waited a few moments before speaking up. “I’m going to lose my appetite,” he announced and the couple broke apart, both blushing fiercely.

Zayn grinned and walked between them to get to the pizza. “The middle doesn’t look bad. It can be saved!” he cheered and Louis and Liam went to stand beside him, examining the food.

“Anything can be saved if the rescuer tries hard enough,” Liam said and Zayn and Louis both knew he wasn’t just talking about the pizza anymore.

Zayn put his arm around Liam’s shoulders. “It sure can,” he said and the pair smiled at each other.

The boys scrounged what they could of the pizza and returned to the couch to eat while they watched another movie. For now, the three boys didn’t have anything to worry about. Or so they thought.

~

“Damn it, Zayn, pick up your phone!” Niall snapped into his boyfriend’s voicemail before pressing end and slamming his phone down on the table.

“Louis isn’t answering either,” Harry said with a sigh. “They knew about this meeting, right?”

Niall nodded and tried Liam’s number again, but it went straight to voicemail. He had no idea that the three missing members were together, their phones all left in bedrooms or jacket pockets on silent.

“I know Zayn knew about it, but after he ran out last night, I wasn’t sure if he’d show up or not,” Niall admitted.

“Okay…” Harry frowned. Niall had explained to him when he first arrived that Zayn got into a fight with him and ran out last night, so he wasn’t sure if he would show up to their meeting with their management or not. So it wasn’t completely surprising that Zayn didn’t show up, but they were surprised that Louis and Liam have yet to arrive.

“Look, maybe we should just leave them be?” Niall suggested, changing his tone. “Liam didn’t have a very good day yesterday,” he shrugged.

Harry couldn’t help but roll his eyes but he didn’t let Niall see. “Right. But they know that this meeting is important. At least Louis should have showed up,” he said bitterly.

Harry flopped down on a chair in the conference room. Once the management team realized the other members weren’t going to be there on time, they told Harry and Niall to get the others there in an hour and the team would return then.

“I’m going to go drive to Louis and Liam’s place, see if they’re there,” Niall said, already moving towards the door.

“I’ll come too,” Harry jumped up but Niall turned around.

“Um, you should stay here,” Niall said carefully.

“Why?” Harry scowled.

“Well, um, incase they show up,” Niall said as if it were obvious. Secretly, he didn’t want Harry to actually know where Liam lived. It was a weird thought, but it was one he had.

Harry didn’t look convinced, but he didn’t say anything except, “Okay. I’ll wait here,” he gritted through his teeth and then went back to the table and took a seat.

Niall let out a small sigh of relief before leaving the conference room in search of the three missing band members.


	4. Fault & Guilt

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Harry's part may be confusing but italics don't transfer well for me. 
> 
> Also, the second half was rewritten after a negative response from the original version. If you've read the first version, please read this was and forget the other chapter ever happened. Thanks! Dassy xx

Niall didn’t even make it out of the building before his phone vibrated in his hand. “Zayn?” he answered the cell, closing the front door of the studio that led to the streets.

“Yeah, hey, we’re on our way. Sorry, we’re late. We completely forgot about the meeting with management,” Zayn said through the phone, and Niall could hear what sounded like a car engine in the background, meaning they were on the road.

“So you stayed with Liam and Louis last night?” Niall asked.

There was a moment of utter silence before Zayn replied, “Yeah, I guess I did,” he said.

“Is Liam coming too?”

“Yeah. I’ll see you in a few, Ni, we’re on our way,” Zayn said again and then call ended.

Niall hung up the phone and then made his way back up to the conference room to wait with Harry. He guess he should’ve figured Zayn would have went to Louis and Liam’s place. It made sense, since he obviously wasn’t going to go stay with Harry. Niall was drunk last night but he wasn’t drunk enough to forget what happened. He felt so guilty when he realized he was such an ass to Zayn about everything, especially calling him out on not letting the whole ordeal get to the tanned boy. He knew for a fact that Zayn wasn’t all strong and mighty when it came to the events of the past year and present day. He’s been there every time Zayn broke down crying, claiming it killed him seeing Liam so hurt and frightened. Niall knew he had no one to blame about last night except himself.

 

Niall walked back into the conference room. Harry looked up at him from the couch. “Back already?” Harry asked.

Niall nodded and sat in a chair across from the curly haired boy. “Zayn called me. They’re on their way,” he explained.

“Is Liam coming?” Harry asked immediately.

Niall avoided looking Harry in the eyes, afraid of seeing something he didn’t want to. “Yes,” he replied.

The two boys sat in silence before Niall spoke up again. “Harry, do you think we’re going to be able to pull this off?” he asked, finally looking back at his younger friend.

“This meeting? Yeah, of course.”

Niall shook his head. “Not the meeting. I mean the album. The tour. This band?”

Harry’s face fell and he gulped. “I hope so, Niall,” he replied.

Niall sighed and sat back in his seat.

“Are you having doubts?” Harry questioned, looking concerned.

“Of course I am, Harry. Where have you been?” Niall snapped, though he didn’t mean to be so rude. He didn’t want to fight with Harry, but the boy was acting as if nothing was wrong. Liam had a freaking mental break down yesterday, for god’s sake!

“I’ve been here, Niall, trying to fix things between Liam and I. At least I’m trying,” Harry argued.

“Are you saying Liam isn’t trying?”

“He doesn’t want anything to do with me!”

“How exactly is that unreasonable!?” Niall stood up, trying to tower over Harry but the other boy stood as well and stepped up to Niall, looking like he was about to throw a punch.

“You don’t know how much I want… no, need this to work,” Harry said carefully before sitting back down on the couch.

Niall stood there, looking down at Harry for a few moments before taking his seat again. “I don’t think you know what you want or need,” he stated calmly.

Harry let out a small chuckle. “You got that right,” he said.

Niall frowned. “What?”

Harry looked at Niall and then let out a sigh. “When it comes to Liam, you have to understand something; Half the time I want him, and the other half I love him.”

“I don’t understand.”

Harry chewed on his lip, though Niall didn’t know why the boy suddenly seemed nervous. “When I love him, I want him to be happy. Even if it’s with Louis,” he said carefully. “But when I want him, I want him. And it seems that hurting him in anyway to get him to be mine,” he shrugged, “is just collateral damage.”

Niall felt his hands behind to shake. He suddenly didn’t feel like he was sitting in front of his friend; he felt like he was in the presence of a psychopath.

Neither boy had any time to react though because just then, Zayn, Louis, and Liam entered the room. “Where’s the team?” Louis asked immediately when he walked in.

Niall looked over and saw that Liam was hiding behind Louis, his hand clutched in his older boyfriend’s.

“They’ll be here shortly,” Harry replied and stood up.

Niall shrunk down in his seat and stared at the ground.

“Babe?”

Niall looked up and saw Zayn sit down beside him. “Are you alright?” he asked, obviously noticing something was off about his boyfriend.

“Yeah,” Niall lied. “Are we okay?” he asked.

Zayn smiled gently and nodded. “Yes, we’re okay,” he said and kissed Niall.

Niall felt relieved that he wasn’t going to lose Zayn like he had thought, but he was still feeling mentally disheveled from Harry’s confession.

Harry, though, was keeping his distance from Liam and Louis who were whispering to each other in the corner and Niall wondered what Louis was telling the younger boy to keep him calm.

There was a knock at the door and all the boys turned their attention to their manager who entered. “Finally, you guys show up,” he muttered.

“Sorry, sir, I lost track of time,” Louis spoke up, taking the blame. “But we’re all here now, so we can begin,” he added.

Their manager nodded, but still looked disappointed. “Okay, we can begin shortly, but first, we’d like to talk to you alone, Louis,” he said and motioned for the eldest member to follow him out of the conference room.

Louis tensed slightly and looked at Liam, who looked as equally nervous.

Niall instantly stood up and walked over to them. “I got him. Go,” he instructed softly and both boys relaxed slightly. Louis squeezed Liam’s hand before following their manager out of the room. Niall slipped his arm around Liam and tried to keep him relaxed while they waited for Louis to return.

Harry was now leaning against the wall, watching Niall comfort Liam. Eventually, Zayn went and stood on the other side of Liam as if to provide extra comfort and protection.

“All I did was flirt with him a little bit. That’s not something that requires him to have a full team to protect him,” Harry spat.

Liam visibly flinched and moved closer to Niall and Zayn.

Niall gritted his teeth, wanting to tell Harry to just “Shut it” but he kept his mouth shut.

Instead, Zayn spoke up. “We know, Harry, we’re just comforting him,” he said calmly and Niall knew he wasn’t as quick to get snappy with Harry in the first place.

Harry just rolled his eyes. “Maybe they’re kicking Louis out of the band,” he commented with a shrug.

Niall looked and saw Liam’s eyes grow wide with the thought of that actually being possible. “That’s not ever going to happen,” Niall spoke.

Harry grinned and continued to stare at Liam, knowing he was digging the wound deeper now. “He’s the weak link anyways. Even you admitted that to me, remember, Liam?”

Liam’s mouth fell open in complete horror. “You‘re a liar!” he snapped.

“Aha, so he does speak!” Harry laughed, knowing that fib would get Liam riled up.

Niall felt his hands begin to shake again, and he knew this was a time where Harry only wanted Liam, not loved him. “Harry, I think you should leave,” Niall stated.

Harry narrowed his eyes. “Why? This is a band meeting. I’m a part of the band,” he said.

“You’re not making any progress by doing any of this to Liam,” Zayn added, moving to stand in front of his friend.

“Progress?” Harry scoffed. “Yeah, I’ve made progress. I have my ups and downs but they’re not getting any better.”

“Are you off your meds?” Niall questioned.

Harry scowled. “I can see why Zayn walked out on you,” he said with no remorse. Niall gasped with surprise from the comment, even though he knew Harry was just trying to change the subject.

“You’re the innocent one, Niall,” Harry continued and the three other boys were too stunned from what Harry was saying to make him stop. “You do nothing wrong, am I right? I bet you told Zayn that too. See, that’s why I never understood how your guys’ relationship worked. Zayn takes the guilt of everything on his shoulders, but you, Niall? You don’t take shit from anyone and you’d rather ignore the problem than deal with it.”

Niall stepped away from Liam and approached Harry. “You’re right,” he said, his voice trembling. “I don’t like drama, or trouble. I joined this band because I love music, and I loved my brothers. But now it’s not just Liam you’re hurting, Harry. It’s all of us. It’s our fans, it’s everybody!” he snapped. “But guess what,” he said, his shaking hands folding up into fists before relaxing again. “I’m not going to ignore the problem, but I’m going to fix it for myself. I’m done. I‘m quitting the band,” he stated and then stormed out of the room.

“Niall!” Zayn took off after his boyfriend, and, being a fool, left Liam alone with Harry.

~

Liam watched the door swing shut and close with a soft click. He stared at the door, not understanding why his legs weren’t moving after Zayn. It’s what his mind was telling them to do, but for some reason, he wasn’t moving.

Harry’s laugh broke him from his trance and Liam turned his head to see Harry smirking on the other side of the room. “See?” he asked Liam. “He’s always running away from the problem.”

Liam shuddered and looked away from Harry. “But you’re the problem,” he spoke softly. Liam watched as Harry’s shadow moved closer to him and Liam backed into a wall.

“What the hell did you just say to me?” Harry growled.

Liam choked back a whimper and looked up to see Harry towering above him. Liam no longer saw the Harry that once loved him, or the Harry that was better and actually cared. “I’m sorry,” Liam released his sob. He was terrified.

“You better be,” Harry snapped. “This is all your fault, anyways,” he snarled.

“M-my fault?”

Harry put his hands on Liam’s chest and pushed him further against the wall. “Yes, Liam. If you just kept your god damn mouth shut, none of this would have happened,” he hissed.

Liam gulped and closed his eyes. Harry’s breath was hot on his face and Liam knew Harry’s hands were going to leave marks on his chest.

“Just think about it, Li,” Harry spoke, his voice just as menacing but a lot quieter. “If you wouldn’t have said anything to Louis, we’d all be happy right now,” he said, his lips brushing against Liam’s cheek. “The band would be on top of the world! Our fans would love us. Our families would cherish us. But no. You let your weaknesses get in the way, like you always do. How can you not see that this is all your fault, Liam? If you weren’t so pathetic, we could be happy together!”

Liam felt a tingle of something run down his spine and he suddenly shoved Harry away from him. “No, we wouldn’t be! I’d be dead!” he yelled.

Liam had a brief moment of pure confidence surge through him, but then Harry’s hand suddenly swung out and backhanded Liam across the face. Liam cried out and his head smashed into the wall before he slid down it, crumpling to the floor. He cowered against the wall, bracing himself for more hits, but they never came.

“What the fuck?!” Liam heard Harry yell and then there were several voices yelling, and he heard fists hitting flesh. Liam began to sob and he buried his face in his knees, trying to block out all the chaos. He knew he was screaming but his cries weren’t louder than the yelling and fighting that was going on around him.

“Liam? Come on,” he heard a voice say to him and he felt hands grip his arms.

“N-no!” Liam cried out and pulled away from the helping hands. He didn’t know who it was, his mind was too foggy and jumbled to process anything. He just knew he didn’t want it to be Harry.

“We have to get him out of here! Niall! Help me, please!” the voice continued and Liam had a feeling that it was Zayn who was speaking.

Two pairs of hands now grabbed him and he felt himself being lifted and dragged out of the conference room. He continued to cry, keeping his eyes shut tight as he wept.

“Liam, oh god, please calm down,” Niall said. Liam now knew that he wasn’t in the conference room anymore, and he was in the presence of Niall and Zayn.

But Liam couldn’t calm down. His cheek burned from where Harry hit him and he tasted blood on his lips, something that was all too familiar for him. They set him down on a couch and Liam curled up on himself again.

“We need Louis,” Zayn said, wrapping his arms around Liam to try and get him to stop shaking.

“He’s a little busy…” Niall said.

Then there were a bunch of other voices that Liam may have been able to match a name to if he was thinking right. He remembered someone calling for security and a lot more yelling.

“Liam?” This was Louis’s voice and Liam’s eyes snapped open to see Louis rushing towards him. His boyfriend had red marks on his face and blood was running down his face.

Liam moved out of Zayn’s grasp and ran to Louis, hugging him tightly.

“It’s okay Liam, you’re safe now,” Louis promised as Liam cried against him. “I’m here now, everything’s okay. You’re safe. Harry can’t hurt you anymore,” he promised. Liam didn’t know what Louis meant by that, but either way, he didn’t believe that he would ever truly be safe from Harry.

~

Two Hours Later

“Are you sure about this, Louis?”

“Yes.”

“It’s a big decision, you know? It’ll cost you boys a lot of money.”

“I know.”

The man sighed. “Okay, just sign here.”

Louis signed his name on the dotted line. “So it’s official now?”

“Yes. One Direction is officially over.”

~~~

“It’s over now,” Louis whispered into Liam’s ear as he held him close. The younger boy had yet to stop crying since Louis brought him back to their flat. “You never have to see him again,” he promised. 

“What did you do, Louis?” Liam spoke softly, his voice barely above a whisper.

Louis sniffled, trying to ignore the tears. It broke his heart, but he had to say, “The band’s over, Li. One Direction is done.”

The sob that Liam produced made the tears finally fall down Louis’s cheeks. “I’m sorry,” Louis held Liam tighter. “I just can’t lose you, Liam, I’m sorry.”

The two boys held each other as they cried, each blaming themselves for it all.

-

Niall followed behind his boyfriend, his hand tightly gripping Zayn’s. It was only an hour since Harry attacked Liam at the recording studio, Louis then attacking Harry and the two fighting it out, and Zayn and Niall having to drag Liam out of the room in fear of him being collateral damage. Once security was called, Harry had been removed from the property, but Zayn told Niall that he was wondering if maybe the police should have been called as well.

He knew Liam was in danger but Zayn could only see Harry as a criminal. Zayn tried begging Niall to just call the police, explaining that Liam needed police protection from Harry. But Niall was insistent that that wouldn’t be fair to Harry.

“Fair?” Zayn had spat at Niall. “Harry doesn’t deserve fair. Liam deserves fair and fair for him would be protection from that maniac.” 

Niall didn’t see how any of this was fair. But slowly, Zayn was convincing Niall that Harry was no longer their cheeky & flirty fifth member. Every time Niall closed his eyes, he could only see the way Harry’s eyes looked when they walked in on him hitting Liam. His eyes were a vicious shade of green. 

They reached the apartment door and Zayn dropped Niall’s hand. It swung back like a dead weight to his side and Niall sighed heavily.

Zayn paused and looked over his shoulder at Niall. “You shouldn’t be so annoyed to be here,” Zayn told him, using a tone that Niall never once heard Zayn use before.

Niall wanted to respond, question why Zayn suddenly seemed so angry at him, but then Zayn was turned around and knocking on the door to Louis and Liam’s apartment. Niall wanted to argue with Zayn, fight for his cause, but he just couldn’t. Because deep down, he knew Zayn was right. He just couldn’t admit that Harry was a lost cause… yet. 

After a few minutes, the door opened and Louis welcomed them both inside. “He’s asleep,” he explained.

“Did you give him those pills?” Zayn asked as they followed Louis into the kitchen.

Louis shook his head. “No. he cried himself to sleep,” he exhaled and got out a bag of frozen pees from the freezer and held it to his swollen face.

“Harry really got you good, didn’t he?” Niall spoke up, wincing at the bruise around Louis’s eye and the cut on his cheekbone.

Louis nodded. “Yeah, but I got him worse,” he said, except he didn’t seem happy about that fact.

“If you don’t mind, can I go see Liam? I won’t wake him up, I, just, well, need to see him,” Zayn stumbled over his words, but he made his point.

This didn’t surprise either boy, because they all knew that Zayn and Liam had a very strong and special friendship.. 

“Go ahead,” Louis spoke softly and Zayn nodded before heading down the hall to the bedroom. 

After a few minutes of silence, Niall spoke up. “Are you two going to be okay here?”

Louis raised his gaze and his lips went even further into a frown. “What do you mean?”

“I mean, well, what if Harry somehow finds out where you live?” Niall asked, using arguments that Zayn used on Niall on the drive here. 

Louis’s eyes widened in realization. “You think he’d really try something?”

Niall shrugged and the words felt foreign on his lips, but he said, “The Harry we once knew is gone, Louis. So, honestly, I have no idea what he’ll do,” and that was the scariest thought of all.

~

Zayn crept into the bedroom, which was dark apart from the glow of Louis’s lap top in the corner. 

“Li? Are you awake?” Zayn called in a soft tone. When he received no response from the form in the bed, he crept over and gently laid down beside Liam.

Zayn sighed quietly, staring at Liam’s lax face. Even from the dim lighting, Zayn could tell Liam’s cheeks were red from crying, but also because there was a bruise forming on the lower half of Liam’s cheek. His lip was also split from where Harry had hit him, but it appeared that Louis managed to put something on the cut for the pain.

“I’m so sorry I ever let this happen to you, Liam,” Zayn whispered and he instantly felt tears pool in his eyes. He blinked rapidly and mentally scolded himself. He didn’t want to cry, but seeing his best friend busted up and still so innocent, killed Zayn’s heart. 

No one knew this, but he and Liam made a pact with each other during their X- Factor days. They promised to protect each other from the world of fame and money. It was a scary world, especially for two teenage boys without a hint of reality. Now though, Zayn felt like he broke his promise. Not because he broke their initial pact, but because it hadn’t been the fame that hurt Liam. Instead, it was their own brother. That hurt most of all because Zayn didn’t notice. He didn’t notice that Liam was hurting for months. He didn’t notice that Liam needed someone, anyone to save him. 

Zayn leaned forward and pressed his lips to Liam’s forehead. “I’m so sorry, Li,” he tried to whisper, but his voice cracked and a sob escaped his lips. “I’m so sorry,” he repeated over and over, his lips brushing against Liam’s forehead.

Zayn let out a small squeak when he felt arms wrap around him and pull him close. “I forgive you, Zayn,” Liam whispered into the other boy’s ear and Zayn melted into his best friend’s embrace. 

~

“Zayn, I thought you said you weren’t going to wake him up,” Niall expressed minutes later when he saw Zayn re-entering the kitchen with a slow moving Liam trudging behind. 

“I didn’t mean to,” Zayn said with an apologetic shrug.

“It’s fine, Ni, I’m okay,” Liam explained, instinctively moving to stand at Louis’s side, who was sitting on a bar stool.

Louis was surprised to see Liam up out of bed, but even more surprised at how okay he actually did seemed. “How’s your lip feel?” he questioned his younger boyfriend.

Liam pouted out his bottom lip as if to look at it, and then shrugged. “Barely feel it,” he said, his tone growing quiet again. Liam slipped his arms around Louis’s waist and laid his head on his shoulder. Louis instantly put his arm on Liam’s shoulders. “How’s your face?” Liam asked.

“Numb, now,” Louis explained, tossing the bad of mostly frozen pees into the sink. He then looked over and saw Niall whispering into Zayn’s ear. He bit his lip, slightly bothered that Niall wasn’t just saying what he wanted to say out loud. But then Zayn’s face twisted in anger and Louis second thought his want for Niall to voice his thoughts aloud.

“We just got here, Niall, relax,” Zayn scolded.

“Don’t tell me to relax,” Niall replied and Louis couldn’t help but notice the way he moved away from Zayn.

“Guys, calm down,” Louis said but the two ignored him.

“He needs our help too,” Niall hissed under his breath at Zayn.

Louis felt Liam tense beside him. 

Zayn snarled his lip. “I can’t believe you still think he deserves our help.” They were speaking quietly as if he and Liam couldn’t hear them, or know what they were talking about.

“I can’t believe you’re that willing to throw his friendship in the trash,“ Niall retorted.

“Friendship? Do you not see what he did to--“

“Guys!” Louis hissed, cutting them off before they could get any further.

Zayn and Niall both snapped their heads up and looked at Louis, but then moved their gaze to Liam. He obviously knew what they were talking about and it was evident on Liam’s face that he was trying his hardest not to try.

Niall broke first. “Lili, I’m sorry,” he reached forward but Liam flinched away.

“N-no, it’s okay,” Liam said. “Go see him,” he encouraged.

“You want us to go see Harry?” Zayn asked unsurely.

Liam nodded slowly before moving away from Harry and rushing from the kitchen. 

“Shit,” Niall muttered, running his hands through his hair.

“Lou, we’re sorry,” Zayn apologized. 

“I don’t want you to think we’re taking Harry’s side, or not taking either side, because we’re most definitely taking Liam’s side on this,” Niall added.

“I understand,” Louis said, masking his emotions well from the other two and standing up. 

“You haven’t seen Harry have his break downs,” Niall added and that made Louis stop in his moving towards the exit. He stopped and looked at Niall. “If you’ve seen him at his lowest, you’d understand.”

Zayn had his head down and arms crossed.

“He’s thought about suicide before, Louis,” Niall explained to him.

“He has?” Louis couldn’t help his eyes from widening. He knew Harry was all sorts of crazy, but he never suspected that.

Niall nodded, but it was Zayn that spoke. He took Niall’s hand and said, “We just want to make sure he’s not going to do anything stupid. Tell Liam that we’ve very sorry. We’ll be back in the morning.”

“If that’s okay?” Niall asked, feeling as though just the idea of them still worrying for Harry made them the bad guys too.

Louis’s expression softened. “Yes, that’s fine. I-I have to go talk to Liam, make sure he’s okay,” he concluded before slipping from the room.

Niall let out a shaky breath once they were alone. “I’m sorry,” he said to Zayn, looking down at their hands.

“Let’s just go and get this over with,” Zayn took a deep breath before once again leading Niall away.

~

You love him. He should be with you, not him. Go get him Harry. Go now. 

Harry had his hands firmly pressed against his ears, but that wasn’t blocking the voices in his head. The voices weren’t new, but this time they wouldn’t go away after counting to ten.

“One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten.”

Go bring Liam home to you. Don’t lie. You miss his laugh. You miss his smile. You miss making him laugh and smile. Remember that? He used to adore you, Harry. He worshipped your very presence. He loved you.

“One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten.”

He doesn’t love you. But you still love him. Go get him so you can make him love you again. It won’t be that hard. Remember the way he cowers near you? Convince him to love you again. You know you can do it, Harry.

“One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten.”

Just as each voice was a different version of Harry’s own voice, each one also had a tiny difference on what it was telling Harry to do.

Liam won’t love you again, you idiot. How can he after he left you for that slut named Louis? You should make Liam pay for hurting you like that. He cheated on you! You should punish him. Hurt him physically like he hurt you emotionally. 

“B-but-- he cried. I-I hurt him,” Harry sobbed in response, flashes of the many times Harry’s made Liam fall, cry, and beg for mercy.

Liam cries because he’s weak. You cry now because you’re weak! Get up! Now!

Harry pressed harder on his ears, counting continuously. 

The voices were louder.

Your counting only lengthens the time until you have Liam back. You can make him happy again. You know you’re stronger than you were before. The doctors told you. You’re getting better, remember? 

“Th-they don’t know--”

About us? About the voices in your head? We’re not just “the voices”, Harry. We’re you. This is what you want, deep down. You want Liam to smile at you again. You want him to hug you and love you. Then you want to take that smile away and hurt him. You want to watch him cower and bleed and cry.

“One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten.”

Harry picked himself up off the floor of his bedroom. The room was bare except a bed and a few miscellaneous objects scattered around.

Good boy. On your feet now, walk to the door. See that baseball bat? Take it and bash in Liam’s face. You know he deserves the worst for leaving you. Punish him, make him bleed, hurt him.

Kill him.

Harry walked forward. “One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten.”

No. Don’t kill him. Love him. Let yourself love him again.

“I do love him,” Harry sobbed as he reached forward, unlatching the lock on the large windows. 

What are you doing?

You can’t love Liam again.

You have to kill him. He doesn’t love you anymore.

“I love him,” Harry uncovered his ears as he stepped out onto the ledge.

“One.”

Love him.

“Two.”

Hurt him.

“Three.”

Make him bleed.

“Four.”

Punish him.

“Five.”

Make him love you.

“Six.”

Force him to love you.

“Seven.”

Punish him.

“Eight.”

Kill him.

“Nine.”

Love him.

“Ten.”

He looked down at the street below. The voices were silent.

“Liam, I love you.”

~

“What did you and Liam talk about?” Niall asked, glancing over at his boyfriend as he drove the car towards Harry’s flat across town. 

Zayn gulped. “Not much,” he lied, but then honestly said, “He blames himself,” he said sadly. After Liam had let Zayn cry in his embrace, they did the reverse and Liam got to cry out his guilt to Zayn.

Niall sighed. “The kid’s got to stop doing that,” he frowned. 

“Tell me about it,” Zayn let out a dry laugh. “Remember that time on tour when me, you, Lou, and Haz were messin’ around in the dressing room before the show, and we broke that lamp?”

Niall felt a smile creep on his lips. “Yeah. Liam was trying to get us to stop and hurry up, but we wouldn’t listen. Then Louis accidentally knocked you into the lamp and it broke. And even that Liam felt guilty about,” he laughed at the bitter-sweet memory.

Zayn chuckled but it sounded sad and lifeless to Niall. He wondered if they were ever going to be able to look back at the good times and truly smile and laugh.

Niall reached over and took Zayn’s hand as he turned down the street that would lead to Harry’s flat. “I love you.”

Zayn smiled slightly. “I love you too,” he said as he parked out front. “C’mon,” he said and then got out. He held Niall’s hand tightly as they made their way up to Harry’s apartment.

They rung the door bell but received no answer.

“Is he even here?” Zayn questioned.

“His car was out front,” Niall said and then dug in his pocket for the spare key Harry gave them. He struggled getting it into the lock, but after a few minutes, he got it in and unlocked the door.

The two walked inside, their hands falling from each others as they walked into the cold and dark flat.

“Maybe he went out… or something,” Zayn said.

“No, check the bedroom,” Niall said, picking up speed as he rushed to the bathroom.

Zayn sighed, not thinking it was such a big deal, and walked towards the bedroom. He knocked once before opening the door. 

He was shocked at the sight of Harry Styles standing on the ledge of the building just outside his window, looking down, ready to jump.

It must have been instinct, Zayn would conclude later. The fight or flight mechanism that pushed Zayn forward just as Harry took that deadly step off the ledge. As he was running, many thoughts raced through Zayn’s head but he was unable to process them all. It was the adrenalin that had him almost leaping out the window himself, but his knees caught on the underside of the window sill, and his hand shot out and caught Harry’s wrist.

The world came back into present motion and sound when the weight of Harry’s body jolted Zayn forward. He grunted as Harry’s body tugged and banged into the brick wall of the building. He was aware of Harry screaming, but his instincts were still in control as he reached his other hand out to grip Harry’s t-shirt collar and yank him up. After a few strenuous pulls on the lean and gangly body, Zayn tumbled to the floor with Harry held firmly in his grasp, both safely inside the confides of the bedroom.

“Zayn!” Niall rushed into the room to witness Zayn just managing to pull Harry into the room and both of them landing on the floor. 

“Why!?” Harry roared, his body twisting and arms flaring out unforgivably as he fought against Zayn’s hold. 

Niall managed to jump over the struggling two on the floor and slammed the windows shut. He was shaking because Harry just tried to jump from his window, which was on the 8th floor. Niall knew what it meant, but he didn’t want to believe it.

“Harry! Harry, stop!” Zayn yelled, managing to pin Harry to the floor.

“Why’d you catch me! I don’t want to hurt him!” Harry yelled, his head whipping back and forth, banging repeatedly against the floor.

Niall stood by the windows, watching, too scared to move.

“Harry,” Zayn kept repeating Harry’s name, trying to get his attention.

“N-no, I love him, tell them they’re wrong, Zayn, tell them they’re wrong,” Harry’s shouting turned to cries and his arms fell limp under Zayn’s grip.

“Tell who, Harry? Tell who?” Zayn asked, removing his hands from Harry’s wrist and going to cup his face.

Harry continued to sob as he stared up at Zayn. “I don’t want to kill him!” he screamed. “Please believe me!” he begged.

Zayn’s fingers ran through Harry’s hair and his hands engulfed the younger boys head. “Harry,” Zayn spoke calmly and clearly. “Tell me… in your head… are you not alone?”

Harry’s bottom lip trembled before he slowly shook his head in between Zayn’s hands. “I’m never alone, Zayn. Never alone.”


	5. Free (Final Chapter & Epilogue)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It is very short because on this site, I added two chapters together for every "chapter" except this one. Please enjoy :)

The voices were quiet now. They weren’t gone--no, never gone--but they were quiet. Harry wondered if it had to do with the injection the doctors gave him. They said it would help, but he doubted them. For months, doctors had pushed pills at him that said would help. But they hadn’t.

He could still hear the voices in the distance of his mind. He couldn’t understand what they were saying though. He was glad that they were quieter, but he didn’t like the fact that he couldn’t move his limbs. He wondered if he was tied down to the bed, because he heard talk about restraints when he first arrived, but he wasn’t sure because his limbs were just too heavy to lift from the sheets beneath him.

He heard a small squeak that sounded like a door was being opened. He moved his eyes towards the door but even his head felt too heavy to move.

“Harold?” The voice reached Harry’s ears just before he saw a man above him, standing beside the bed he was on.

Harry swallowed and opened his mouth, just barely, but no words formed.

“It’s okay if you cannot talk,” the man revealed. His voice was gentle and calm; soothing, unlike the voices still snickering in the background of Harry‘s mind. “Do you know where you are? Blink once if yes, two if no.”

Harry blinked twice.

The man disappeared for a few seconds before returning, this time much lower and closer to him. Harry predicted that the man pulled up a seat. “You’re in a hospital, Harold,” the man said. “Your friends brought you, and your emergency contacts have been called. Your mum will be arriving in a few days,” he explained.

His Mum was coming? Harry suddenly felt ill, like he was going to throw up. He hadn’t talked to his family since he visited them months ago. He didn’t want them to know what kind of person he was. He was insane and evil, he know, and now he was in this hospital, drugged up to his eye lids, and alone.

“Rest now,” the doctor continued and Harry then realized that his eyelids were slowly closing. “I’ll return when you wake and we’ll discuss further treatment for your illness.”

Then the man stood up and was gone again.

Harry wanted to scream, “No! Please don’t leave me! Don’t leave me with them,” but his mouth remained closed. As his eye lids grew heavier, the voices grew louder.

~

“So that’s it then, is it?” Niall questioned the doctor as soon as he came back out of Harry’s room.

“I’m afraid I don’t understand,” Dr. Kenneth replied, adjusting his white jacket.

“He’s going to be locked up in here now? Drugged up so he can’t even move,” Niall stated bitterly.

“Niall…” Niall heard Zayn’s quiet voice from behind him but he ignored him. 

“The sedatives are temporary, and so are the restraints. He’s on 72 hour suicide watch as well, which is the reason for the precautions,” Kenneth explained. “We don’t consider our patients here “locked up”,” he continued sincerely. “Mr. Horan, your friend is very ill with schizophrenia at a degree we are unsure of yet. His condition cannot be cured with a shot and a few pills.” 

Niall’s jaw clenched but Zayn’s hand on his shoulder kept him from snapping at the doctor. Niall knew Harry was in the best care here, but it still killed him to see his best mate so subdued and strapped down to his hospital bed. Though, it was one of the worse things to witness, seeing Zayn pull Harry from taking the plummet that would have surely led to his death was worse. 

“What happens now?” Zayn asked from behind him, his hand still lightly resting on Niall’s shoulder.

“Once Mr. Style’s parent arrives, she will take over making the decisions for his treatment. I will recommend intensive therapy, and from there we will decide on other forms of treatment.”

“Such as?” Niall pressed.

“Many medications have proven beneficial…”

“Pills? He’s had enough pills,” Niall argued.

The doctor sighed heavily. “I’m sorry, but there are no other treatments for schizio. We are still learning more and more about the illness today. I won’t lie to you, there is a good chance that young Harold will never be able to get passed his illness fully.”

“So he will be locked up here forever,” Niall muttered.

“He may be kept in this facility for the remainder of his life, yes, but please remember that we do not wish to contain him here like a prisoner. He will be treated with all respect.”

Niall heard a laugh from behind him and he turned to see Zayn smirking. “That’s funny?”

The smirk fell from Zayn’s face in an instant. “No,” he stated firmly, taking his hand away from Niall’s shoulder. But then he tilted his head, thinking. “Actually, yes, it is funny Niall,” he said. “He’ll be treated like a fragile prince in here, and that scares you. But don’t forget the damage that Harry has done on his way here,” he said.

Niall’s eyes widened in shock. “Are you saying that I’m not thinking about Liam?” he asked, flabbergasted.

“Yes, Niall, that’s exactly what I’m saying. Liam still has to suffer through hell because of Harry.”

“Don’t you think I know that?” Niall’s voice was rising.

The two boys didn’t even notice that the doctor was now walking away.

“You don’t act like it,” Zayn muttered before turning and walking in the opposite direction, towards the exit.

Niall followed. “I’m sorry that I care about both my brothers,” he said.

“And I don’t?”

“You act like you’d rather have Harry rot in hell.”

“Well he deserves--”

“He deserves to not have voices yelling at him all the time and be better.”

“Better than what?” Zayn halted and turned on Niall. “Do you really think Harry heard voices all the way in the beginning?” He stared at Niall but didn’t let him respond. “The voices are new, Niall, hell Harry might have even made them up.”

“You don’t believe that,” Niall gasped, wanting what he said to be true.

“I don’t know what I believe anymore,” Zayn shook his head. “Just leave me alone,” he stated before turning away again and walking out of the hospital doors.

~

Louis was sitting on the couch, curled up next to Liam as the boy strummed on the guitar and softly sang, “Everywhere I'm looking now  
I'm surrounded by your embrace   
Baby I can see your halo   
You know you're my saving grace.”

“I love you,” Louis whispered once Liam finished, setting the guitar aside. Louis slipped his arms around Liam and pulled him closer. Louis had received the phone call from Niall only a few minutes ago, explaining what Harry had tried to do and that the ambulance had taken Harry to a mental hospital across town. Once Louis had hung up, he walked in on Liam playing the guitar.

“I love you too,” Liam said, laying his head on Louis’s shoulder.

“Liam? … Niall called me,” Louis said carefully.

“Is everything okay?” Liam sat up and Louis guessed that his voice probably didn’t sound too steady.

Louis nodded but then looked away from Liam when he felt tears in his eyes. “Niall and Zayn went to see Harry and they found him…” Louis gulped, “Attempting to jump from the ledge of his building,” he said and actually winced as he watched Liam process what he said.

Liam looked confused at the beginning, as if he didn’t understand why Harry would jump from there, but then it dawned on him. Then, his expression changed so drastically that Louis pulled Liam to him instantly, hugging him and burying his face in the younger boys neck just so he wouldn’t have to witness the look of anguish and pain on Liam’s face.

“H-he tried t-to…” Liam sobbed but Louis shushed him.

“Yes, but Zayn stopped him, he’s fine,” Louis held Liam tight as the other boy shook and then let out a sob.

The sobs didn’t stop for quite some time. Liam just cried against Louis, his body trembling. Liam was saying something but Louis couldn’t understand most of it. The only thing he could get out of it was “My fault.”

“No!” Louis hugged tighter. “It is not your fault and don’t you dare think that way! Harry’s safe now, in a h-hospital, okay?”

Liam wheezed as he tried to catch his breath lost from crying to heavily. “H-hospital?

Louis nodded, pulling away from Liam to look him in the eye. “Yes. He has schizophrenia… he was hearing voices. He’s really sick, but he has been for some time, okay? Absolutely none of this is your fault.” he stated firmly.

Liam closed his eyes, which were red and still pooled with tears from crying. Louis shook Liam’s shoulders. “Do you understand that Liam? You’re safe now, and so is Harry. He’s getting the help he really needs and you’re safe! Do you understand?” Louis pleaded.

Liam opened his eyes and nodded. “Y-yes,” he said and then smiled through his tears before pulling Louis towards him and kissing his lips. 

Louis returned the chaste kiss before putting his arms around Liam and holding on tightly. 

~

The Next Day

Zayn cringed when Niall‘s hand banged down on the counter top in frustration and hurt. His boyfriend walked in on Zayn packing his bags, his passport and a plane ticket in his hand. Zayn had planned to just leave a note, but now it was too late. Niall went to visit Harry again with the assumption that Zayn was going to visit Liam. But instead, he was packing as much of his things into his suitcases. On the outside he was panicking and fidgety, but on the inside he knew he was making the right choice. Now staring at his broken hearted boyfriend--or ex boyfriend soon--he had to keep reminding himself that he needed to do this.

“You were just going to leave me without saying anything?! Without telling me, or even Liam?” Niall gaped, his voice shaking and rising at the same time.

Zayn nodded slowly.

“He’s your best friend!” Niall yelled and then his voice broke saying, “I’m your boyfriend!”

“Do you want to know why I’m leaving?” Zayn asked weakly. 

“Yes! That’s exactly what I want to know, Zayn!” Niall cried.

Zayn stared at Niall, his heart breaking even further. “I need to leave b-because, yesterday, for a moment when I reached out to catch Harry--” he choked on his words before sputtering out, “I hoped I was too late.”

Niall’s blue eyes glistened as he stared back at his boyfriend. Zayn wanted him to say something, anything, but the boy remained still, staring at Zayn like he wasn’t quite sure what to do now.

“That’s why I need to leave,” Zayn said. “Because for a split second of time, I wanted a human life to end,” he explained finally before turning around and doing exactly what he needed to do: he left. 

~

Two Months Later

For the first time in a long time, Liam felt safe in the presence of Harry Styles. He no longer feared for his skin to be bruised, his body to be misused, or his heart to be broken. For once, he felt okay.

This was Liam’s third visit to see Harry. On his first visit, Liam hadn’t felt so safe. Instead, he felt scared; but not for himself. He was scared for Harry. At the time of the visit, Harry was still being heavily sedated and restrained. Even though Harry had been mostly out of it, he must have know Liam was by his side because he kept apologizing over and over again. 

Liam didn’t stay longer than 10 minutes because the broken cries of his past lover had been to much for him to handle. 

The second visit went better. Harry was no longer restrained and the drugs were reduced. He acknowledged Liam’s presence with an apology again but Liam had shushed him immediately. Then Liam asked Harry about the food served there at the hospital.

Harry didn’t understand at first, but after Liam repeatedly asked random and seemingly unimportant questions about the hospital, or the weather, Harry went along with it. Liam was ready to see Harry again, but he wasn’t ready to talk about what was really happening.

Now on the third visit, Liam saw progress in not only Harry, but in himself. It wasn’t much, but Liam felt that if he no longer felt the need to fall to a trembling mess in Harry’s presence, than Harry must be feeling something too. They never talked about what happened between them, or the fact that Harry was probably never going to come out of that hospital. 

“My mum bought me a ticket to come home for Christmas,” Liam said, leaning back in the chair that was positioned beside Harry’s bed.

“Oh yeah?” Harry smiled gently.

“Yeah, since I missed last Christmas,” Liam explained. “I heard your mum and sister are coming up here?” he asked.

Harry nodded. “Yeah, we’re going to have a little Christmas party in here,” Harry explained. “The nurses are helping me get them their gifts,” he detailed.

“That’s great, Haz,” Liam said and watched as a pure smiled spread across Harry’s face.

“You called me Haz,” Harry pointed out and Liam smiled gently.

“Yeah I did,” Liam agreed.

Harry looked down at his hands, smiling to himself. He seemed to trail away in his own thoughts before raising his head again. “Oh, I almost forgot. I already have your gift,” he explained.

“You don’t have to give me anything,” Liam stated immediately, even though Louis and Niall already chipped in with him to buy Harry a new bedding set to replace the washed out white sheets that the hospital had.

Harry shook his head, muttering’ nonsense’ and reached around, opening the drawer of the bedside table next to him. He pulled out a small package before handing it over to Liam. “Open it now,” he encouraged.

Liam sighed quietly before unwrapping the oddly shaped gift. Once the paper was torn away, Liam held a small figuring of a wooden roller coaster. It was intricately detailed. In tiny writing, the front cart of the coaster that was positioned on the highest point of the tracks said ‘Liam.’ “Did you--”

“Make it? Yeah. It’s apart of my therapy. They told me to make something that held meaning to me,” Harry explained and Liam fell silent. That was the first time either of them mentioned Harry’s therapy.

“What meaning does this have for you, exactly?” Liam eventually asked. He tried recalling a time when he went to an amusement park with Harry, but he hasn’t ridden a rollercoaster in years.

“Not that long ago you told me that we’re both on a rollercoaster ride of recovery,” Harry explained.

“Oh.” Liam now recalled the time in the park when he told Harry that. He compared to their struggles through recovery like the ups and downs of a rollercoaster. He was surprised Harry even remembered that.

“But as I was making that,” Harry said, “I realized something.”

Liam raised his gaze to look at Harry.

“We’re not going through similar things, Liam,” Harry explained. “You were injured while I was sick. You can heal, I know you will, but me? I’m not going to ever be the way I was before.”

Liam took a quick breath. This was the first time they‘ve spoken so openly about everything. “I don’t--”

“Let’s just say we’re at two different amusement parks, okay?” Harry added with a smirk.

Liam let a small laugh slip from his lips. “Yeah, okay.”

There was a knock at the door and Liam turned to see Louis poke his head in. “Time to go, Li,” he said.

Liam nodded and the stood up. “I’ll see you soon, Haz,” he told Harry, who nodded, smiling softly.

“See you,” Harry said. Liam then picked up the tiny roller coaster and left the room after Louis.

~

“Have you heard from Zayn?”

Liam glanced up from the TV screen and looked at Niall, who was curled up on the other side of Louis.

“I called him last night,” Louis replied. “He didn’t answer,” he said.

Niall sighed and nodded, trying to cover up the fact that he was still heart broken from Zayn walking away from their relationship so abruptly. But Liam still saw how hurt he was.

“I talked to him a couple days ago,” Liam spoke. “I don’t think he meant to pick up the phone, and he hung up after realizing it was me,” he admitted and gulped. “But his mum called me right back. He’s okay, Ni. He just needs time.”

A tear ran down Niall’s face. “I know,” he said and then stared at the TV as if it would stop his tears.

Liam curled up closer to Louis. He wished he could make Niall happier. He wished he could make Zayn happier too. But for now, he was told by Louis many times over not to worry about them. He still had a lot to fix with himself. The visits with Harry were making things easier, but each time he went, he still stressed about it days before hand. He knew one of these times, Harry wasn’t going to be as level headed as he has been.

The doctors called this morning telling Liam not to come in today because Harry was having an episode. They wouldn’t tell him what Harry’s episodes included, but they claimed that it was too dangerous for Liam to be near Harry today.

So things weren’t perfect. Actually, they were still pretty shitty. But they were getting better and that was all that mattered to Liam. The fact that he was safe again and in Louis’s arms.

~

Epilogue

Niall stayed in the city and eventually overcame his heart break over Zayn, who never came home to them. 

Zayn’s mother called them every so often to give updates. Zayn also had moved on by now; he was married and had a little girl on the way. Liam had sworn that Niall would have been heart broken again from this news, but instead he was happy for him. Niall, too, had moved on by then. He was in a relationship with a young computer technician that loved Nandos even more than he did. 

~

For a while, Liam tried to visit Harry every other week. But when he and Louis finally decided to move out of the city and find a house in the country, every other week turned into once a month. Then, when Louis proposed to Liam, once a month turned into once every three months. Then when Louis took Liam to the adoption agency to start filling out paperwork, every three months turned to once a year.

It was always Christmas time when Liam visited Harry. It was the best time for Harry. The boy liked to say the voices liked the holiday atmosphere and gave Harry a break. Each time Liam came, he would bring Harry a gift. At first it was materialistic things like a radio, or the Harry Potter book collection. Then the gifts were tagged along with a framed picture of Liam and Louis’s new baby boy. Then their son’s art work drawn on the inside of the cards.

Harry always had a gift to give in return to Liam. He never had anything for Louis, their son, or Niall; just for Liam. They were always something Harry created in therapy, each with their own personal meaning behind them. 

Liam kept all the little trinkets in a china cabinet in his dining room at home. Louis asked him one day if the figurines were a good idea. He worried that they were a constant reminder of Liam’s wretched past.

Liam said they didn’t. They only reminded him that his life was better now. He loved the boy who saved him, and that boy loved him back. 

One night after they had just laid their child down to sleep for the night, Louis asked him, “How do you feel, Li?” 

Liam’s answer was, “I feel free. Like I know this is were I‘m meant to be and it’s all because of you.”

Louis smiled and kissed him then. “I love you,” he said against his lips.

“I love you too,” Liam whispered. “Because of you, I finally know who I am.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please review and let me know your thoughts :) Thanks for reading!


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